[Hannifan / Williams]

I read your rhubarb on the web today
Your diary's full of words of decay
The hype you type is so untrue
The chip on your shoulder's made a fool out of you

I see you're living in the past again
making up tales of where and when
Those days are gone, they've passed on by
No-one cares if you live or die

chorus
Boo-Hoo! Nobody's crying
Boo-Hoo! over a fool like you
Boo-Hoo! Nobody's lying
They don't give a monkeys 'bout the things
You supposedly do

You washed up on some distant shore
Your pearls of wisdom are such a bore
Your neighbours wish they'd all gone deaf
You're a bit of a boon to the National Health

chorus

You're lost in the desert of your head
Your crumminess don't sell no bread
You're good at this, you're good at that
one thing's for sure, you're a total twat

You wanna be worshipped, you wanna be loved
But you're as subtle as a concrete glove
Well go on punk and make our day
Your attitude's gonna blow you away

chorus

[Cooke / Williams]

Nighttime, you vicious swine, you've come again to wrap your black cloak around my frightened eyes,
To stifle all my cries
Nighttime, you filthy rat, you don't look back, you run like a bride into the waiting arms of another day,
Across thresholds you play
Oh Sunrise, It's good to see you
Oh Sunrise, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, how did these sheets get so wet?
Why do I always forget that the stars are only the jewels in the crown of the Eiderdown Kid
Who can't be hid from the Bogiemen
The night patrol who prowl these bedrooms like sentries waiting for the password
Waiting for the challenge

The sweat of the Sun, and the tears of the Moon
All glimmer in the fading gloom
It's all too soon, We turn away
We turn to grey before we hear the clarion call

Winter, you creeping death, you never fail to prod your deep freeze fingers into this rotten pie
You always wave bye-bye
Winter, you son of a bitch, your corner pitch shouts obscenities into ears that never asked to hear
Your frozen features leer
Oh Summer, it's good to feel you
Oh Summer, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, why does this blood feel so cold? Why does this face look so old, when I'm only a child of this Universe?
My carbon date's nil
There's a chill in the shadows, that lengthens with the passing time, that hovers there like kites
Like kites in a hurricane
Like kites over the chasm
We're over, and over, and over, and over, and over
Over the chasm

[Kahn - Leosong Copyright Service Ltd.]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Cooke / Williams]

In the shadows of this city
Beneath the froth of fame and pity
Where the young hearts have such vision
To laugh at scorn and mad derision
To cock a snook at nothing more
Than prima donnas and slamming doors
To find a place to call their haven
A warmth from which they can't be driven

Within the function of romance
Of fate, or toil, but mostly chance
The liberated point the way
To what must be the perfect day
When, as one, we rise ignited
To share the hopes of all united
To be a light within a storm
to start again, to be reborn

chorus
Shangri-La! Voyages of the cerebral
Shangri-La! Constancy and love eternal
Shangri-La! A kiss upon the timeless brow
Shangri-La! Within the grasp of here and now

Outside the walls of sad malfunction
Roads diverge at fog-bound junction
Travellers all with tales to tell
Of straight and narrow, or rebel yell
Wings upon the thermals soar
Whilst others crawl across the floor
On a trail to new tomorrows
To find a world that we can borrow

chorus

[Clapton / Harrison - E C Music Ltd. PRS / Harrisongs Ltd. PRS / Unichappel Music, Inc. BMI]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Cooke / Williams]

Faded photograph’s don’t make much sense in the pouring rain
Distant places ain’t no fun when you’re alone again
I’ve been coming back to all of my sweet dreams
I’ve been coming back to me and you
But when I step right on back into Shangri-la
All I find is....

chorus

Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous
Spiders, spiders me and you
Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous - na, na, na
Spiders’ rendezvous

Young girl’s smiles just make you cry when you’re old and grey
Lover’s kisses ain’t no good when she’s far away
I’ve been thinking ‘bout all my sorrow
I’ve been thinking ‘bout me and you
But when I step right on back into yesterday
All I find is....

chorus

It’s no good without you. I just can’t go on
It’s no fun all alone, coz you were the one
Alone in the night I stand and I fall
I cry out, “Baby, you were my all!”
I’m searching for answers. I’m down on my knees
Don’t let this thing happen. Take them away please
All those.....

chorus

[Hannifan / Williams]

Took a private plane to Vienna
Roy Young Band made us sing, fruit - (Froot!)
Bill wore Bob's jeans, spent the flight in sick dreams
Whilst Spartacus flew with us on foot
Those distant days - that time decays

Paper planes fly in formation
East Of Eden's axeman turns green - (Green!)
Little bottles of booze get stuffed down some alkie's trews
You never know where some drinks have been
You live and learn - but I'll never return

'Cause my death in Germany was racing round the bend
Yeah! My death in Germany came laughing, like a friend

Bused right into the venue
Curved Air's bassist sucks in some weed - (Take heed!)
Richie hung his tongue out for some tart with a pout
consolation for testosterone need
Vienna Steak, was free to take

Gyrating on stage for them humans
We made an impression or two - (Wooo!)
Cops with big guns stared at titties and bums
The music press said, 'How do you do?'
Those waves and screams - the stuff of dreams

But my death in Germany was coming up real fast
Yeah! My death in Germany had nailed my colours to the mast
(Land Ho!)

Got the night train from Vienna
Sleeping on it head to toe - (Oh!)
We'd made the 9 o'clock news, saved all them kids from the blues
But their parents told us to go
Go! Go! Go! Go! - you reap what you sow

Hit the night stage at Speyer
Woke all them mothers up - (Yup!)
Then came the end - the black curtain descends
I left Paradise with a thump
'He's fookin' dead!' - Swarb' said over my head

'Cause my death in Germany was clear for all to see
Yeah! My death in Germany took me clean away

So I danced the dance of death
Until the Yanks yanked back my breath
There was no God - nothing at all
Perhaps he was out when I made my call

It was my death in Germany!

[Hannifan / Williams]

Gave them yellow Stars Of David
Dressed them in pyjama stripes
Gave them no consideration
Before they robbed them of their lives

Stole their teeth and glasses
Stole their clothes and hair
Stole everything they ever owned
Killed them when they were bare

Tattooed numbers on the children
Made lampshades from their skin
Got the ovens burning
Stuffed their little bodies in

Said they only did it
As orders must be obeyed
Got their whips a-cracking
Their trains can't be delayed

They goose-stepped into Poland
They goose-stepped everywhere
Scared all the brave ones
Strapped them to the torture chair

They brutalised so many
Gave no-one a second glance
Stole the unborns' future
Burnt communities in France

They murdered all the gypsies
Those with mental illness too
The disabled an the different
They'd like to have killed you

They ran away like cowards
When the war was done
Said they only shuffled papers
Never held a smoking gun

They never showed contrition
Lived off what they stole
Glad they'd stuffed those millions
In some stinking hole

And what was God doing
When this time bomb ticked?
Had he handed in a letter
Saying he was off work sick?

[Hannifan / Williams]

Across the crumbling bridge of fate
The Tollman lays his head
Staring at the murky seas
Asking if he's really dead
The thunder rumbles overhead
And everyone has gone
You look around in vain for them
to find you're all alone

Stumbling! Falling! Screaming!
The never-ending end performs its tricks
The sky's crimson curtain flaps like a wounded wing
All the dead awake, awake and bring
The dance macabre into your reality

Let's dance, let's dance
But given half a chance, just run
As revelations bang the drum

Evaporation! Separation! Damnation!
The final identity parade confirms your guilt
Sinner! Sinner!
You're not a winner!

The trap door swings for you to fall
You're splattered in the scarlet hall
Your breathless mouth wide and agog
Your lifeless eyes lost in the smog
of fireballs bowling the dregs away
An aftermath of ashen grey
Where's your halo rich man/fool?
Did you think Hell would be cool?
Well, did ya, punk?

And from the Heavens the horsemen come
Dark shadows against the bubbling Sun
And as you burn and melt to dust
Become part of tectonic crust
The howling wind, and crackling flames
Have made amends, demanded claims
and cleansed a way for something new
a new which doesn't include you

Throughout the terminals of time
The legions all fall down
Like dinosaurs they disappear
Crushed pawns and broken crowns
The thunderbolts reverberate
And fate demands its fee
All vanities, desires and dreams
Flushed down Death's lavatory

War! Pestilence! Famine! Death!
These are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

[Anne McCue / Janet Robin]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

He wore black leather next to his skin
It was so damned tight you could see where he’d been
He had a skull tattoo with a dagger stuck through
A wicked kinda smile coz his young love was true
Oh no, he was never gonna let her go
There were blue words on his arm saying, “Death or Glory”
Yes, his was just another East Side story
He was bound to meet a gory end
“Let him go! He’s innocent, you know.”

The reaper waits impatiently to send you to eternity
There’s no easy way out, no easy way out of here

He had needle tracks etched in his skin
He flew like the angels but they didn’t know him
His knuckles told a story in words of, “Love and Hate”
The devil and him had a prearranged date
Oh no, he was never gonna let him go
He had a switchblade for a spokesman. It took no second glance
to see it speaking volumes at the downtown dance
He didn’t stand a chance at all
“Let him go! He’s a nobody, you know"

It’s heat ‘n’ flames ‘n’ coffin nails
It’s “Over and Out!"
To screams ‘n’ wails you go
[ Let’s go! ]

It’s hell on Earth. For what it’s worth you decompose
There’s no rebirth
You go

The void is calling to you
The void is calling you
The void is calling out to you

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

He was in Rio for the Mardi Gras
Searching for Rita in his Mercedes car
She was at Ascot for the One Twenty Three
Spreading his readies like loose confetti
Thunder, lightning, rain and hail
Can't you hear those sirens wail?

He went to Vegas to play some roulette
She flew to Paris in his private jet
He got the cable on his ocean yacht
She'd spent a million on an ocelot
Hellfire, brimstone, grease and slime
Can't you hear those sirens whine?

Your oilfield's on fire
It's burning down
Right to the ground
......Burn!

He'd built up mountains of gilts, stocks and shares
Her ample assets were in silk underwear
He'd budgeted to stay top of the pile
Surgeons pulled faces to redeem her sweet smile
For a while

He was in Norway for the Midnight Sun
Looking for respite in a smoking gun
She was at Harrods burning all of his bread
So he swam the North Sea and he shot her instead
He shot her
Nightmares, monsters scream and growl
Can't you hear those sirens howl?

Your oilfield's on fire
It's burning down
Right to the ground
See the flames
There it goes

Now he's in jail with a glint in his eye
As the interest grows on what's left of his pile

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Do you think that you're so special?
Do you think that you're supreme?
Are you on a road to riches?
Are you the cat that's got the cream?

I guess you can think whatcha wanna
Speak your mind without a comma
But if you're adrift on stormy seas
Or praying to God upon your knees
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Do you consider other people?
Do you consider anyone?
Are you chasing dreams and shadows?
Are you staring into the Sun?

I guess you can ignore whatever
Throwaway, wipe out, or sever
(The) primordial soup that made you bubble
The building blocks of future rubble
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Vacuum years. Whirlpool gears
Jungle leers. No-one hears
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph
Centrefolds splashing in your acid bath
Words from your bloated epitaph
The trembling of your melting golden calf

Do the ghosts peer from the shadows?
Do the ghosts knock on your door?
Are you surfing waves of sorrow?
Are you staring at the floor?

I guess you can bamboozle others
Hide your head beneath the covers
You're not special, you're just someone
With cheesy thoughts akin to Ben Gunn
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Where you won't hear - you're never gonna hear
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph
Ghosts marching along the cinder path
Words of love above war's demograph
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I used to love you, but I don't no more
Grabbed my bag an' I shut that door
Took a walk into the rising Sun
Opened my eyes an' I had some fun

I sometimes wonder why ya gotta lie
If the World's a stage you're it's custard pie
Your view of life is mean an' small
I might be no-one but I'm standing tall

chorus
I'm a yardbird honey, I walk the line
I've removed the chains an' the lies that bind
I'm a yardbird honey, I'll pass on by
I'm the wind an' the rain, I'm the lone wolf's cry

I used to wonder, but now I know
If ya put down roots then you'll never grow
If you're up to your neck in piss 'n' tat
You'll be beggin' for more an' expecting a pat

I used to sleepwalk, but now I'm alive
I'm not glued to a sofa in some crummy dive
I was never fooled by the latest trend
I'm travellin' light into a World without end

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully slinky
We're beautiful, from Wigan to Crewe
We're beautiful, this nut needs a screw

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully stinky
We're beautiful, from Blackpool to Leeds
We're beautiful, oh! there go my seeds

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully twinkly
We're beautiful, from Zeals to Loch Ness
We're beautiful, oh! what a mess

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully slinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully stinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully twinkly

We're beautiful

[Buddy Holly / Norman Petty]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Hot steamy nights and rivers of flesh
There’s a fire down below. A heart to be let
A door slamming shut, and an empty stare
Shadows disappear in the searchlight’s glare
You’re burning up. You’re burning down
You cry for release coz you’re too tightly bound

chorus
There’s hellhounds frothing on your trail
The thud of the hammer. The clunk of the nail
Banging, banging all night long
Banging! Banging all night long

Cold frosty days and slithers of ice
There’s a mind numbing freeze. A head in a vice
A chain on your soul. The turn of a key
A figure in black staring to the sea
There’s no way out. There’s no way in
Your heart of gold’s really made out of tin

chorus

Grey morning after and the consequence
A fuse blowing fast. Alone and so tense
The bars of the cage your idealised home
The smile on her face the reason you roam
You’re going down. You’re coming up
Trapped by the taste of her sweet loving cup

chorus

[Larry Bright]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Alex Harvey / Hugh McKenna]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Well, I've been in 'Nam, and I was at Omaha
I crawled through the filth and I fought with bare hands
And I fell at Culloden and the Dublin Post Office
And I lie far away in the heart of strange lands
And if only I'd seen you once more for a moment
And strolled through a summer or gone to a fair
If only I'd kissed your lips sweet and tender
I'd be dancing in Heaven, I wouldn't be there
In a field full of poppies, blood-red and so pungent
In a field bulldozed flat by some cavalry charge
I'd rather be riding a horse made of wood
Than have posthumous medals - if only, if only I could

chorus
But the merry-go-round won't take us there
it'll only leave us hanging in the cold night air
No, the merry-go-round can't lead us home
We spin around in circles and we all fall down
Oh-oh-oh! it's just for fun - it's just a merry-go-round

Well, I've been to the Somme and to the Crimea
A soldier of fortune at some nation's birth
And I fell at Little Big Horn and at Stirling Bridge
And I sleep far away in a bed made of earth
And if only I'd been with you more than my childhood
And we'd spun through the years on our merry-go-round
If only I'd married you my fair young maiden
I'd be laughing in Heaven not sad in the ground
In a field full of crosses, bright white and so perfect
In a field venerated by those who survived
I'd much rather ride an old fairground horse
Than be saddled for battle - if only, if only of course

chorus

Well, I've been in 'Nam, and I was at Omaha
And I've been to the Somme and to the Crimea
And I fell at Culloden and the Dublin Post Office
And I fell at Little Big Horn and at Stirling Bridge
And I'm all through the Universe

I'm ashes and dust

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Grannie's keeled over, she's been on the eggnog
Uncle's on sherry number twenty two
All the little kiddies have got sore tummies
They're queuing up outside the loo

It's Christmas in Bognor Regis
Everyone's kissing under mistletoe
It's Christmas in Kilimanjaro
All the fat lions are merry too

Too much brandy on the flaming pudding
It resembles an incendiary bomb
Everyone dives behind the sofa
'Twas a bargain made in Hong Kong

It's Christmas in Torbrex Village
Everyone's playing blind man's bluff
It's Christmas in the Antarctic
All the pretty penguins are in the buff

Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Ha!-Ha!-Ha!
Don't say, "Humbug!"  Tra!-La!-La!-La!-La!
Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Take cover, lover!
Ollie's gonna hit ya with some hot guitar!

The sherry trifle turns your legs to jelly
There's only war films on the telly
Auntie's ashes were sent into space
Which means the table has an extra place
     (bagsy!-bagsy!)  (No, it's mine!-it's mine!)  (Yippee!)

The crackers go bang! The jokes are silly
They're only fit for cousin Billy
The paper hat never fits one's head
Some party goers should've stayed in bed

Wake up! Come down stairs, quick! You're gonna miss it all! - Queen's speech!

THE BRITISH NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!!!

Sister's crying over her poster of Herman
That's pinned to her bedroom wall
The After Eights were gone before seven
On Quality Street they're having a ball

It's Christmas in the Outback
Everyone's dancing with kangaroos
It's Christmas on Christmas Island
Perhaps the missing present's stuck in the flue

Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Ha!-Ha!-Ha!
Don't say,"Humbug"  Tra!-La!-La!-La!-La!
Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Move over, Rover!
While Ollie takes you walkies with some hot guitar!

Sleigh me one more time, Santa!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]


Chorus:-
              Took three Kings to give you frankincense
              Took three Kings to give you gold
              Took three Kings to give you myrrh
              Took the King to give you rock 'n' roll

The Angels told the shepherds,  who took their sheep
Down to the inn, to see the baby sleep
The cattle chewed, and the donkey snoozed
And all the King's horses didn't have a clue

             Chorus

The Herald Angels whispered their songs on high
The Magi led their camels quietly by
No one wanted Herod to hear the news
About the King in the inn with the blue suede shoes

             Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


Used to live on top of the hill
Happy days 'til daddy got ill
Suddenly we were Jack and Jill
And it all came tumbling own
Yes, it all came tumbling down

Back then it was black and white
Lonely days and silent nights
We were hoping to get a sight
Of pretty maids all in a row
Yeah, pretty maids all in a row

Chorus:-
              Hot water bottles 'til the break of dawn
              I wanna waffle without any corn
              Be wide awake until I start to yawn
              Then it's hot water bottles until Christmas Morn

Used to choke on kipper bones
In the days before telephones
Before the sheep knew it was a clone
And her fleece was white as snow
Yes, her fleece was white as snow

Dib-dib-dib and Dob-dob-dob
Peel potatoes for Bob-A-Job
Leave Santa biscuits by the kitchen hob
Coz we all want three bags full
Yeah, we all want three bags full

            Chorus

Go to school to do your ABC's
Stay at home when you start to sneeze
Muffin The Mule was a bit of a wheeze
You can see how your garden grows
Yeah, see how your garden grows

Wave bye-bye to Newport town
Santa's reindeer are Stirling bound
I'll stay under the eiderdown
Because the North Wind will blow
And we all will have snow

          Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


If you're out and about on the night of December 24th
Then, good golly! - Take a brolly! - You never know what might come tumbling down
From way up high

There's reindeer in the sky. There's reindeer in the sky
Oh-my, oh-my, oh-my! - There's reindeer in the sky
Put your umbrella up - don't become a mucky pup

There's reindeer up above. There's reindeer up above.
They're bigger than a dove  (they're bloody huge)
There's reindeer up above
If they put their tails up - Look out! - They're gonna take a dump

It's the brown side of the sleigh. The brown side of the sleigh
Another gift for Christmas Day  (a brown, brown gift)
It's the brown side of the sleigh
Get shovels! - Scoop the yuck! - Your roses will lap it up

Those roses don't have noses
Those roses don't have noses
Those roses don't have noses - but they always smell

There's reindeer in the sky. There's reindeer in the sky.
Oh-my-my-my-my-my-my -my-my!
There's reindeer in the sky
When Santa comes to town you'll see the brown come tumbling down

Here come the brownies! Here come the brownies!
Look out! They're pouring down!
Here come the brownies! Here come the brownies!
Hey! Look out Brown Owl!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


Let's be more generous than Scrooge
Give Brussel sprouts to those in Bruges
Clothe all the beaches filled with nudes
Let's spare the blushes of the prudes

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, spare a hanky for a sneezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, don't put money in the freezer

I heard the Ghost of Christmas Present
Say, "Go veggie, save the pheasant
Sit you down and break some bread
And just pull wishbones in your head"

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, spare cough mixture for a wheezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, don't act like a Roman Caesar

I saw the Ghost of Christmas Past
He said, "Hey man, life's such a blast
Remember all the things you've done
Well carry on and have more fun"

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, let's sit down and read the Beezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, become the perfect Christmas geezer

I know the Ghost of Christmas Future
Could heal the World with one small suture
You'll be in stitches to the end
A stitch in time will help you mend

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, come on, Eb, don't be a teaser
Don't be a Charlie! - What the Dickens?
Who plucked all them Christmas chickens?

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


Go! Rudolph! Go! Ride on through the snow
Bring joy to everyone. Go! Rudolph! Go!

Chorus:-
              Go! Donner! Go! Blitzen! Go! Prancer too!
              Go! Comet! Go! Vixen! Go! Dancer! Go!
              Go! Cupid! Go! Dasher! Give Rudolph a hand

Keep your antlers up when you come in to land
Go! Rudolph! Go!

Glow! Rudolph! Glow! Illuminate the snow
Shine a light on everyone, while the North Winds blow

                Chorus

Watch that chimney stack when you come in to land

Glow! Rudolph! Glow! Glow from head to toe
Light up the winter sky. Go! Rudolph! Go!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden  ]


My toys are in the attic, I'm a big boy now
Some people have been at it, and some don't know how
It's getting late now, it's getting dark
I won't take me doggy out for walks in the park
and if you need a clue to help you to get through

Chorus:-
              Then shout! - Yeah, shout! - Come on and shout!
              Open the door and try to get out.
              Open your mouth and start to shout!

My clothes are in the bedroom, I'm a nudist now
Some people demand headroom, then they take a bow
It's getting cold now, Rudolph's in the sky
Won't play me tennis racket, won't mime to FBI
And if you need a hand to help you understand

              Chorus
 
My knees are all a-tremble, I'm a lover now
Some mammas don't resemble Pink Floyd's cow
It's getting hot now, we'll get a tan
I won't strain me grey matter queuing for an ice cream van
And if you need to know how to go, man go!

             Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


Give me a mistletoe kiss
Come on over here miss
Work your legs and work your hips
Shut your eyes and pout your lips

    Let's do the mistletoe jive
    Let's get it on while we're alive
    Shakin' 'til the break of day
    Oh, hold on tight and just sway

Let's cast a mistletoe spell
Climb on board and make me yell
Both end's burnin' through the night
Take a breathe and take a bite

    Let's have a mistletoe squeeze
    Do I have to say, please?
    We'll stay glued until the dawn
    We won't remember how to yawn

Give me your mistletoe look
You don't need to write a book
I can tell what's in your head
And lip read the words you said

    Give me your mistletoe love
    A little push, a gentle shove
    A crackerjack delight
    Your Christmas kiss is dynamite

Give me a mistletoe hug
To prolong the festive bug
Let's go cuckoo for a while
Like conker players on The Nile

    Let's have some mistletoe fun
    Give me a smackeroo, hon'
    We'll win the knobbly knees prize
    And climb a mountain of mince pies

Let's have a mistletoe hoot
And tell Santa, "You're cute"
Let's never ever cry
Until the time we say, "Bye-bye"

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


I think I saw him from the corner of my eye
The man in red who makes the reindeer fly
I think I heard a noise up on the roof
The sound of laughter and the stomp of a hoof

I thought I saw the imprint of a boot
By the fireplace, in the soot
I wondered where the plate of goodies went
Had they been scoffed by the man in red

Chorus;-
              We're tingling on Christmas Eve
              You'll have to pretend if you don't believe
              We're jingling on Christmas Day
              We're all going gaga over things
              From the man in red's sleigh

I think I saw his shadow on the landing wall
(and) Who was giggling in the downstairs hall?
How did all the presents magically appear?
Was the man in red and his reindeer here?

We think Christmas is a super-duper time
When the man in red walks the line
We should remember what The Magi did
If there's love in your heart it shouldn't be hid

             Chorus

Wake up sleepyhead
Wake up, get out of bed
Tiptoe down the stairs
And see what you've got
From the man in red

           Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


I saw Santa in New York City
In a club doing the nitty gritty
He swung his sack around the floor
'Til momentum swung him straight on out the door

I saw Rudolph on a street corner
Playing gin rummy with Little Jack Horner
The stakes were high, the chips were down
Steak and chips make Her Majesty frown

Chorus;-
              Some drink champers and some eat hay
              Whilst pine needles sew up Christmas Day
              And flatulence turns the fairy grey
              Whatcha gonna do on Boxing Day?
              Well, what are you going to do, huh?
              Drink more champers, and eat more hay, hay, hay
              Hey! Hey! Hey!

It's so beautiful, it's so wonderful
The snow's so clean and pure
Until it meets reindeer manure

I saw Santa in Tunbridge Wells
Climbing steeples and ringing bells
The highest ding caused us to wake
The lowest dong -  like an earthquake

I saw Rudolph sat on a tuffet
Having a laugh with Little Miss Muffet
Human beings toasted the sight
Beans on toast warm your bed at night

               Chorus

I'm gonna eat some hay

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


What a waste of a good Christmas Tree
What a waste of a good Christmas Tree
It should be in the ground, exuding air to breathe

What a waste of a fat Christmas Goose
What a waste of a fat Christmas Goose
Should've taken your spoon to a chocolate mousse
              
            Run! Moose! Run!

What a waste of a smart Christmas Speech
What a waste of a smart Christmas Speech
Just zip it, hon' - don'tcha start to preach

        Don'tcha!


What a waste of good Christmas Cheer
What a waste of good Christmas Cheer
Don't wanna silent night, just wanna gottle o' geer

        That's right, dummies!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


In the cold wastes when The Sun always shines
And the caribou boo when the polar bear dines
I asked Nanouk, "Man, how do you sleep?
Do you reverse your hoodie so you can't even peep?"

He said, "I chase Mary-Jane 'round the igloo
'Til the snow turns to slush and we smell like zoo
Then we whip off our sealskins, and here comes the fun
If I fancy a nibble I lick her iced buns"

Chorus:-
              Iced buns (whoo-oo-oo) yummity-yums (yummy-yummy, yummy-yummy)
              Iced buns (oo-oo-whoo-hoo) Everybody likes Mary-Jane's iced buns


The enigmatic walrus asked the white rabbit
If he'd ever hopped around to an Abba hit
Well the rabbit didn't understand Walrusese
It was too busy pushing out some frozen pee

When Nanouk came home Mary-Jane was there
Sitting with her tush in the Frigidaire
He gawped in surprise, she said, "Don't drool
I know you like to slip into something cool."

              Chorus

Give us a nibble, baby!

Here comes Papa Noel, now the sleigh ride's done
He once left a teddy for Attila The Hun
He sits down with Mamma for his Christmas Fare
Then they play a game of Twister, 'til they twist their underwear

Now Papa says to Mamma, "What shall we do?
Shall we visit Nanouk in his steamy igloo?"
And in reply to their wishbone wish
Guess what they found waiting on Nanouk's Christmas Dish?

          Chorus

We love 'em!
Umm! - Mary-Jane and her iced buns

Merry Christmas!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


There's the sea lion off the shore
There's the holly on the door
There's the seagull in the sky
There's the bypass that passes us by
Were we ever made for the weather?
Or were we moaning again?

There's the partridge in the wood
There's the girl with the riding hood
There's the blackbirds in the pie
There's the spyglass that watches us cry
Were we even feasting for Stephen?
Or comfort eating again?

Merry Christmas, here's your present
Merry Christmas, here's yours too
Scoff the pigs, and geese, and turkeys
Stuff the rich, and the starving too

Merry Christmas, each and every
Merry Christmas, one and all
Fire rockets at each other
Make it big and squash the small

There's the camels of The Kings
There's the frankincense and things
There's the tree with baubles on
There's the shy lass with her own King Kong

Merry Christmas, all you wise men
Merry Christmas, all you fools
Count your blessings, flaunt your money
Have yourselves a happy Yule

Merry Christmas, 'til tomorrow
Merry Christmas, 'til it's gone
When we're pushing up the daisies
Who'll remember this silly song?

Merry Christmas, all you shepherds
Merry Christmas, all you sheep
Switch off your life support systems
When the bleepers no longer................

[ Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams ]


I staggered from a haunting night into a crispy dawn
And scared the angels of this town by looking so forlorn

I stumbled on a maiden fair, who'd fallen by the way
And helped her find her feet again upon this Christmas Day

Her smile was like a guiding light that led me to her door
Yes, you washed in from Paradise upon my rocky shore

And you're my heartache
Yes, you're my pain
You're my loss, and you're my gain
And I will follow where'er you roam
Where this river flows

She was bound for Aberdeen, and I to Calgary
Please give my love to those you meet, and I'll keep yours for me

Her letters were incendiary, tearing me apart
Then you flew in with mistletoe and kissed my aching heart

And you're my fever
Yes, you're my cure
You're the reason that I endure
And I will follow where'er you roam
Where this river flows

Time goes by....  
Here we lay.....
River flow....  
Flow away...........

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]

Is it snowing in Vermont? Is it snowing in Maine?
Is it snowing where you are? Is it snowing again?
What're you doing this Christmas? Don't spend it alone
Come back to your heartland, spend Christmas at home

It's another cold winter, and we all need the sun
We've known pain and frustration, but we've also had fun
So let's light up the old tree. Let's spread presents around
Let's remember the good times, and the joy that we've found

You know how we miss you all through the year
So don't be a stranger, spend your Christmas here
Let's share the magic. Let's share everything
Let's share this Christmas. Sing children, sing

Let's share the future. Let's share the past
Let's share forever. Let's make Christmas last
Forever Christmas. Forever love
Forever magic, and stars up above

Forever sparkle. Forever enjoy
Forever remember the joy of a toy
Forever bearing gifts from afar
Just to be near you. To share your Christmas star

[Joe Jackson]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Sad faces always stare at me from everywhere I look, I guess they're just not free
To break ranks from the wind and rain, to hold their heads up high and catch a Southbound train

I'm wondering if I'm right or wrong to take a chance on love, or sing a blue-tinged song
Heartaches are counted by the score, so do I run away or do I climb on board?

This road could lead to wrack and ruin
This road could lead nowhere at all
This road can turn you round in circles
This road could make you feel so small

Tailgating ain't a thing to do, when your blood runs hot you're more meat for the stew
Life seems to be a box of tricks when you're two foot tall, and daddy's camera clicks

Say cheese, say please, say whatever you like
This house is burning while we're searching for the light

I'm hoping there's a place for me in the master plan of this uncertainty
I'll shove theories through the smallest chinks until the angels laugh, and God turns and winks

This life could end in disillusion
This life could end in fantasy
This life could end with trumpets blowing
This life can end before you've found the key

I could never strike the perfect pose, does it really matter if you lose by a nose?
It's real dumb to expound your pain when the vultures wait to make your lose, their gain

Say why? Say 'bye! Say whatever you will
This ship is sinking, before we've had our fill

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

In '41 you were on the ack-ack gun
Life was hard in wartime London Town
Kate and you met for an hour or two
You walked her home, then you were alone

You live, you love, and you die

In '52 the kids went to school
You pay the rent on a small bungalow
Kate and you - you climb a rung or two
But in your dreams you're kings and queens

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - you little wind-up toy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the medals shine they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

In '63 music gave identity
Kids found an aim to live differently
Kate and you - you save a pound or two
To buy guitars - the kids play in bars

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - your mother's pride and joy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the spirit's hot they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

In '74 the kids are on tour
They're shooting stars - in concert halls, not bars
Kate and you - you live in luxury
The kids saw you right - they phone every night

You live, you love, and you die

In '85 you're not alive
you're just a name in the archive
Kate and you - you saw it through
But time goes by, and all those tears dry

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - no memory can destroy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the poppy's worn they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - in dreams you're now deployed
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - 'midst visions of derring-do they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

[Donovan]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus...
Magnolia walls, magnolia walls, magnolia, magno-oo-oh-oo-oh-oo-oh

In this modern world we live
Not many perks not many kicks
Not many secrets we unearth
Too many wounds for us to lick in...

chorus

In the clamour of today
With media pap in ear and eye
We don't know truth, we can't disguise
Our lack of hope, or alibi in...

chorus

The key's turned, we hide within
Constant turmoil, constant pain
Anaesthetised by nothing great
No deep joy, just deep disdain in..

chorus

We're lost and never found
We fade away without a sound

We're lost, but never missed
Our cheeks are turned, but never kissed, in...

chorus

We scrape, and bow, and scurry by
So many beggars at the door
Salvation's not a word we know
There's only fear within the core of...

chorus - magnolia walls

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Sitting at my electric window, in my little room
Faces, which are now familiar, lighten up my gloom
Wish they could stay forever, I'd like to meet a few
And talk inconsequential stuff, and share a joke or two
And fall asleep with their laughter ringing in my ears
Instead of all these years of emptiness
Yeah, all these years - all these years
All these years of blues

Guess I'm just a lonely one, when could be a homely one with you

I don't stare at my reflection in a darkened window pane
I guess I look too gruesome now, so I don't play that old ego game
But like wine in old containers I'm maturing day by day
This crusty pie's real sweet inside, I'm an ideal take away
I'd like to feed your hunger, and calm your stormy seas
After all these years of craziness
Yeah, all these years, all these years
All these years of blues

I guess I'm just a lonely one, when I could be a homely one
I guess I'm just a lonely one

[Nancy Wilson / Craig Bartok]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Hey girl it might take all night, but let's get it right - there's no defeating nature
And if you wonder 'bout the things I do - I do them all for you. I ain't gonna fake ya
And if you wanna know, you really wanna know, I'm not gonna run away
I'm just gonna face ya
And right from the start I'll tell it from the heart, you're a doll
But I'm not gonna break ya

Hey girl. Hey girl

Hey girl every single day we'll be caught in rays of soul enriching rapture
And if you wanna wish upon a star, a star is not too far for us both to capture
And if we share this life we'll really share this life, I'm not gonna shy away
I'll just stand and clap ya
I'll guarantee no tears through the many years, you're my baby
And I would never trap ya

Hey girl. Hey girl

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Anyday - Love!

Hey girl this could last all life. A love that is so rife don't need no rhyme nor reason
And if you think about the things we'll see, we'll see a melody that's always right in season
And when we're really old, yeah really, really old, we won't dress to impress
We'll still have our jeans on
And when this flame is snuffed it won't be so tough, 'cause my angel
It's Heaven that we've been on

Hey girl. Hey girl. It's Heaven that we've been on

Hey girl it might take all night, but let's get it right
And if you wonder 'bout the things I do, I do them all for you
And if you wanna know, you really wanna know, I'm not gonna run away
And right from the start I'll tell it from the heart

Hey girl. Hey girl. Hey girl

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

You start me up and oversee the flow
I count the seconds to the afterglow
You press my button, you peruse my face
My hands stop, our worlds embrace

Up in the morning and out on the road
That's the way that the glory unfolds
Foot after foot chasing the time
Gotta be first to the thin white line

When you're running you leave me standing here

You're pushing envelopes to post your dreams
I'm metronomic in your field of schemes
You press my button and we interface

Press - turn me on again
Push - turn me on again

Out on the track and ready to fight
Trying to win a nation's delight
You're running hot, and you're running cold
You're in the race for the circle of gold

When You're running you leave me standing here

Press - Turn me on again
Push - turn me on again

Turn me on

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Look into the sunset darling, walk along the shore
Waiting for tomorrow to come knocking on our door
You and I the wanderers beneath the ancient skies
You and I the reason, you and I the prize
Who knows if the answers will be bottled in a jar?
Or in the eyes of strangers who've travelled from afar?
Never gonna be the only one to feel like this
You and I the haven, in your arms the kiss

Take me to the future darling, take me to the past
Take me to forever, just make this feeling last
You and I the shelter, you and I the storm
You and I the laughter tiptoeing 'round the scorn
Who knows if the endgame will justify the race?
Or when the makeup's rubbed away, will it show a better face?
Never gonna be the only one to fall and bleed
You and I the garden, inside us the seed

When the fires subside darling we'll be carbon clues
To the vast enigma of particles and glue
You and I reminders of the fullness that was filled
You and I the memory of some forgotten thrill
Who knows if the hunger will illuminate the way?
Or when the journey's over will there be a bill to pay?
Never gonna be the only one to question, Why?
You and I the silence summoned by a cry

Cry. Cry

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Squadron leader to the boys, let's turn and head for home
The war is over, we were few but we were not alone
Put on your demob suit and lead the simple life
Tell stories of your glories when you're free from your trouble and strife
Your Sunday dinner's burning, and the heads are turning
Come on in boy, come on in
Well give me one more drink and the chance to sing

chorus
We fly in helicopters over sea and over ground
We fly in helicopters we go up, and we come down

Squadron leader to the boys, let's remember those old days
Once a year at the Bull & Bush, through a rose-tinted haze
Put on your Sunday best and head for the re-union
Shout and yell about your hell, when you dodged the ack-ack communion
The wives are in the lounge, pie-eyed and very loud
Come on in boys, come on in
Well give us one more drink and the chance to sing

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Let's go to bed, start counting sheep
I'll climb on top, fall in so deep
Under the Eider, far away
Recharging for another day

Let's step on board and go somewhere
A change'll be good for your chair
Over the sea, and up above
Don'tcha, don'tcha mention love
Don'tcha, don'tcha mention.....

Let's smoke the smoke of a pipe dream
Be the cat dressed in blue jeans
The welcome trembling of knees
When you unloose her dungarees
And play the game of birds and bees

Let's find the thing that we all sought
Or all our hopes will come to nought
In the confines of our brains
Chasing shadows on open plains

Let's fill our mouths with birthday cake
Our inner Bunter don't forsake
When the slings and arrows fly
We'll bake shepherds for the pie
Yum-yum, hear them shepherds cry

Let's go gently into the dusk
Breathing in the tell-tale musk
Her sigh after the nightcap drink
Leave marigolds in kitchen sink
It's your cue to sink the pink

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

When I paint my masterpiece you'll be there somewhere in it
In a corner, on a chair, with a smile that permeates the gloom
The viewers in the room will stare

When I say my prayers at night you'll be there somewhere in them
In the forefront, in the glare, with a smile that radiates through time
Angels who know you're mine will stare

You didn't cost much, but you don't come cheap
You can make me laugh, you can make me weep
The magic circles that you draw
Make us rich, although we're poor
We tumble blindly through the door
On the way to Paradise
If we only opened our eyes
And took our heads out of these clear-blue skies
We'd find all those who stare
Know that we're there
Yes, we're already there
We're in Paradise
We just tried it on for size
It didn't take much guile
It only took a smile

When I lay me down to die you'll be there deep within me
Still so pretty, still so fair, with a smile to alleviate the pain
The mourners in the rain will stare

[L. Williams]

Beatles, Kinks and Shangri-Las
Blonde haired girls in coffee bars
Beach boys, Doors and Rolling Stones
Vibrating all our flesh and bones
Dylan, Zappa, Beefheart, The Who
My generation's hullabaloo

And now for another splendid band, Deckchair Poets

(Who?)

[R. Cooke / L. Williams]

Wake up, hit alarm, shake a leg, shake yer head
Home fries, bills to pay. bad breath, wend your way, working day
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Rub eyes, punch a card, work to bone, worker drone
Bell sounds, punch the air, head aches, sit in chair, empty stare
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Summer days they call to me across the seas of time
And I remember walking on the sand
The pretty butterflies in the air
(So there)

Beam me up again - get me outta here

Head out, throw a dart, smoke a smoke, choke a joke
Drink up, heading home, throw up, fuse is blown, steal a cone
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Flop down, turn a switch, telly glare, telly snare
Head up, hit the hay, flat out, treadmill day, life decay
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

[N. Innes]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Dictators' stupid uniforms, they're dressed like Christmas trees
They look like Widow Twanky or a technicolour sneeze
Skull and crossbone badges, jackboots and swastikas
Who thought up all this nonsense - drunken fools in bars?

Multicoloured medal ribbons from chest to shoulder blade
Scrambled egg on cap peaks, the kinetic art parade
Inappropriate overkill to magnify small men
Fashion conscious judges give them nil points out of ten

You can't rule a country when you're dressed like a cartoon
People will say, 'What's up, Doc, is you a Looney Toon?'
You can't rule a country when you're dressed like a buffoon
You may as well go au naturale and make like a baboon

Dictators' gigantic statues covered in pigeon shit
Help you to identify that country's biggest nit
Their gaudy local currency showing that charmless face
resembles toy-town money, looks completely out of place

Their portraits seem heroic, but they hide in palaces
Which are too kitsch to contemplate, but ideal for jumped-up savages
Like-minded fools adore them, others stand with mouths agog
Small pond life can't visualise their Prince is just a frog

You can't rule a country dressed like a panto dame
You ain't got no magic lamp, you're just a-lad-insane

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

chorus
With me Roobaron, with me Roobaron
I'm driving 'cross Gondwana with me Roobaron
With me Roobaron, with me Roobaron
Driving 'cross Gondwana with me Roobar Roobaron

Under the shade of an ancient gum
Watching the hustle, hearing the hum
Sweating salty rivers from every pore
Heightening the pleasure, rubbing the sore

Gazing at the shimmer, swaying in the haze
wondering if the Devil's the Ancient Of Days
Down by a billabong looking at the sky
Waiting for the dingoes to stare me in the eye

chorus

Turn up the heat, turn down the cool
Skins like brown leather, eyes like swimming pools
Swallowing the dust and throwing up the gold
Whatever's there to buy is waiting to be sold

Spitting at a camel, wrestling with a croc
Showin' my melanoma to the flying doc
There's stars up above and opals down below
Glugging down a tinny before the Abba show

chorus

(Skippy! Watch out!)

There used to be the Dreamtime - everything came from the dream
Let's go back to the Dreamtime - let's dream, let's dream, let's dream

There's lots of sods lying under the earth
Doing the sneaky from Alice to Perth
Observing the curve of a boomerang
There's little Wallabies with pouches for prams

Slapping on the sunblock, cooking up some frogs
Digging with a shovel 'cause there ain't no bogs
Clapping Aborigines streaked in white
Stamping their feet, what a splendid sight

chorus

(Skippy! - Get out the way! - Hop it!)

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Mr Future, Mr Future is waiting to be free - like he should be.

[Billy Connolly]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Running down a highway like a flash of light
A vapour trail racing clean out of sight
Radio blaring, hear that mother moan
Rubber tyres burning a long way from home

We were gone - but we were nowhere at all
We were gone - an echo in an empty hall

Blowin' our minds on a chemical trip
Pawning our bodies for a lucky dip
We were strung out on silver, strung out on gold
We were swinging from the trees 'til we lost our hold

chorus
We were shadows, shimmers in the morning haze
Shadows, footnotes on a musty page

Shovelin' the coal 'n' lighting the fire
'Til the juices flow from a funeral pyre
Stokin' an ego, strokin' a cat
Bowling a googlie to the opening bat

We were gone - we were never here at all
We were gone - an echo in an empty hall

Suicide bombers think they'v got the key
With delusions of their immortality
This Earth ain't yours, this Earth ain't mine
We're just visiting for a very short time

We were shadows - ripples on the rising Sun
We were shadows - just like a Dinosaur's hum

chorus

Nobodies, nobodies, yeah! ( yeah-yeah-yeah )

What's around the corner? What's around the bend?
Well I guess you know it's just the end

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

I took my fly swimming but the poor thing drowned
I didn't hear it screaming, it didn't make a sound

Should've wheeled out the tandem, or gone jogging
I won't slide the same on my fly-less toboggan

So bye-bye-bye
Bye-bye little fly
I never got to wave goodbye
I just got to cry

There's a dent in the pillow on my lonesome bed
I'll never see its blue nose next to my pink head

So don't take your fly swimming unless you've a Mae West
A little-bitty pretty one to fit its little-bitty chest

[N. Lowe / D. Edmunds / B. Bremner / T. Williams]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

We're blank, we are nothing
We're just like a muffin
We're a black hole in a black painted room
We're lost in confusion
Is this an illusion?
Is it always midnight, or is it high noon?

We're old we are rotten
We're all dressed in cotton
We're chucked away in a cold wooden box
We're churning in sadness
which adds to our madness
We can't be unique when we all bleat in flocks

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

She looked like a poet but she danced like a orang-utan
Her chest was gigantic it was bigger than The Isle Of Man
Her grass wasn't dry but she still liked his watering can
Her engine was oiled but it always smoked and went bang!

chorus 1
I can tell you everything, everything you wanna know
I can tell you everything, even The Queen has got B.O.

She read like a novel but she was a thumbed magazine
Her knickers went yo-yo and let off a whole lot of steam
Her mind was elastic, just like an Edvard Munch 'Scream'
She turned on his hose to make her Sahara green

chorus 2
I can tell you everything, everything you need to know
I can tell you everything, why Napoleon said, 'No, no, no!'
chorus 1

She felt like champagne but she bubbled like cheese on toast
Her honey was dripping when she ogled his morning post
Her head was in Devon but her feet were on the Barbary Coast
She smiled on Page 3 when she learnt what her whoppers had grossed

chorus 1

Her cheetah was sweeter than her sausage dog named Fang
If she had a chance she'd like to hit it with her frying pan
She'd had them all, yeah she'd even had Kool And The Gang
They called her a bike, but hey, all aboard, she's a tram

chorus 2
chorus 1

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

On a roof top ready to jump
In the sack ready to hump
In the depths, head on the block
The axe swings, scavengers flock

What's the use about counting all your money?
What's the use about pampering your body?
What's the use about getting out of bed?
When the chips are down and something's buzzing in your head

chorus
'Cause there's nothing new to learn
There's no reason to smile
Who needs their 15 minutes
When there's no hands on the dial?
Why do all he pleasantries
When there's so much bile?
Why don'tcha throw your useless self
Onto the worthless pile?

Hey, Adolf! Hey, Nelson! Hey, Julius Caesar!
Hey, Custer! Hey, Ghandi! Hey, Boadicea!
Hey, Lenin! Hey, Genghis! Hey, any dead geezer!
Hey, Napoleon! (Hey, Napoleon!), you ain't missing anything!
(Sweet F. A.!!)

What's the use about smelling of roses?
What's the use about sniffing white powder up yer noses?
What's the use about shitting golden bricks?
When the banking system's crumbling and your motives really stink

chorus

Hey, Plato! Hey, Buddha! Hey, Lionheart!
Hey, Wallace! Hey, Ming! Hey, Joan Of Arc!
Hey, Judas! Hey, Cleo! Hey, any ol' fart!
Hey, Napoleon!

Hey, Franco! Hey, Moa! Hey, Marta Hari!
Hey, Stalin! Hey, Vincent! Hey, Mark Anthony!
Hey, Arthur! Hey, Ludwig! Hey, any stiff body!
Hey, Napoleon! You ain't missing anything!

On a roof top ready to fly

On a roof top ready to jump
Down on the road you land with a thump!

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

I'm pointing Percy at the porcelain
I've done it so many times before
I'm pointing Percy at the porcelain
I hope nobody walks through the door
(Cor blimey, guv'ner)
I hope nobody walks through the door

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

The vicar's daughter - ooh, what a corker!
She would never do what you thought she oughta
Her legs were endless, but invariably crossed
If she put on some slap she'd be twinned with Kate Moss
You wanna tell her that she looks real good
That if she only could then you obviously would
You wanna tell her that she looks real neat
Why don't she come to yours and take the weight off her feet?

You've taken trouble, been bent double
You've affixed a fish an' shaved off your stubble
You've been to her church an' knelt on your knees
You're hoping her God will answer your pleas
You wanna tell her that she looks real fine
That you're as straight as an arrow, you're right on the line
You wanna tell her that she looks real cool
Why don't she come to yours an' show you all her pretty jewels?

You've got a fish on your car
Well, hallelujah!
You've got a fish on your (beep-beep!) car

The daughter's sister, how could you miss her?
if the daughter somehow couldn't then her sister might kiss yer
They've got things that get you all a fluster
All the bits and pieces that a sisterhood can muster
You wanna tell them that they look real nice
If something's special then it's even better twice
You wanna tell them that they look real swish
Why don't they come to yours then you could fill their empty niche?

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

My willy's caught in my zipper
My willy's stuck to my flies
That's why I'm crying
That's why I've got bloodshot eyes
My willy's caught in my zipper
How can I get it loose?
If I keep on tuggin'
I'll be hung like a moose

My Willy's caught in my zipper
The zip's snagged to my skin
Doctor if you use that hacksaw
You'll leave my willy desperately thin
My willy's caught in my zipper
What on Earth can I do?
Won't somebody kiss it better?
all you ladies form an orderly queue

My willy's caught in my zipper
It's teeth are giving me grief
Won't someone tell the fire brigade
To come and save my barrel of beef?
My willy's caught in my zipper
My willy's a total mess
If I don't get this sorted
I'll end up wearing a dress

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

She dived into a yoghurt and he drove into a tree
He always left the seat up on her pristine lavatory
He gargled with gin and tonic while she sipped her lemon tea
He was hounded by Mother Nature, she was bitten by his flea

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's live au naturale on warts 'n' all t.v.
Let's go to Bognor Regis and throw chips at the moon
Let's set a trap for Goldilocks, and twang that silver spoon

Up with the Hoi Polloi, down with the hunting set
Let's admire that string vest, that the birdies could've used for a nest...

...In the tree that he drove into when he required her lavatory
He would have loved her yoghurt, it was black cherry
She finished off her knitting while he made more debris
Mother Nature was no match for her jar of T.C.P.

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's sharpen our vitriol and wear something leathery
Let's gatecrash the wedding and throw jelly at the groom
Let's ponder the imponderable and twang that silver spoon

Up with knotted hankies and down with underpants
Best to swallow humble pie than to ignore mankind and live a lie

She looked like Skinny Minnie, she'd been eating Special K
He looked like Dr Findlay, and he came from Tannoch Brae
They were bound by their endeavour to expand The Milky Way
Her booty was a cutie, just like a Shakespeare play

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's fling our shackles in the air and pretend we're really free
Let's go to Havana, let's fly there on your broom
Let's ban champagne guzzlers, and twang that silver spoon

Up with all things normal, down with the overblown
Whoopie cushions all go bang! whilst Ollie's guitar's choogling, twang! twang! twang!

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Instrumental track

[R. Cooke / L. Williams]

He's in the cookhouse making sausage and beans
While he's thinking of schemes to find a lady of means
He spoons the mess to all of the guys, and then he turns away
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

He's got a picture of the Mrs and kids
That he keeps near his heart, even though they're apart
He shows it to all of the guys so they don't think he's gay
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

chorus
When he's alone he's thinking of war
All the places the soldiers saw
Imagining where he'd like to be
Tobruk, Mafeking and Gallipoli
And when he's in bed he starts to scream
Always has that same old dream
Mau Mau attack - every night
Mau Mau attack - oh-oh-oh-oh
Mau Mau attack - out goes the hand
Mau Mau attack - out goes the hand for the light

He's in the nuthouse throwing traumas and toys
While he's making a noise about the cavalry boys
He blows his top at all of the guys, then he starts to play
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

chorus

He's one of the light brigade - Sgt Friday

[Lynden Williams]

How wonderful to have a flushing toilet

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

If you’re a machine you’ll need some oil
To live the dream you’ll need to toil
When the Sun goes down and the full moon rise
Some will come alive, some will shut their eyes

chorus
It’s just a matter of time before the Sun explodes
It’s just a matter of time before your brain erodes
It’s just a matter of time - hear it ticking away, hear it ticking away

If you’re a mermaid you’ll need some sea
If you’re French bread you might need Brie
At Bikini Atoll you’d have been toast
You don’t need an oven to become a roast

chorus

Battle of Britain, pistols at dawn
Death keeps you alive and stifles your yawn
Colonic irrigation the natural way
Put on your brown trousers, you’ll need them today

If you’re a rocket you’ll need some sky
If you’re mash potato you’ll need a pie
The rich keep sliding out of gilded wombs
The rubber ducks quack in the Pope’s bathroom

chorus

Put on your brown trousers and kiss your ass goodbye

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I’ve got a washing machine.
There’s no more journeys to the launderette ‘cause I’ve got a washing machine

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Coffins for boffins and burning boats too
A Viking was hiking to Katmandu
The reason for treason is never plain
There’s no hope for the dope sliding down the drain

The Bloody Red Baron flew a mission or two
Shot holes in the cheese, shot holes in you
While the angels were staring at holes in the sky
The Devil was dining on human pie

Witches in stitches riding their brooms
Vicars in knickers in their catacombs
The pleasure in treasure is in the gleam
There’s a yell when the bell wakes you from a dream

The Bloody Red Baron had a medal or two
He polished his boots, he polished off you
While the angels dusted their halos on high
The Devil polished off a human pie

When the Sun sets over the ocean
When the Moon rises in the sky
When Wee Willie Winkie thinks you’re safe in bed
The Devil’s baking another pie

Foxes in boxes chasing their tails
Nippers watch strippers discarding their veils
The turning was learning how to go straight
The drizzle went sizzle on the barbecue plate

The Bloody Red Baron Had a sniffle or two
Over his conscience but not over you
While the angels were talking to God on their phones
The Devil was walking on human bones

Wing of bat, tail of rat
Squeak of mouse and bubble of cat
Leg of frog and dead dog’s eye
Throw in some humans and bake that pie

All the Devil wants is human pie
All the devil wants is you and I

[Larry Bright]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I look like Buddha in the nude
I look like Buddha in the nude
I suppose you think that’s very rude
That I look like Buddha in the nude
But Buddha wouldn’t mind
He wasn’t that unkind
I look like Buddha in the nude

[Jerry Leiber / Mike Stoller]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

First you look, then you pass by
Then it cooks. You’ve just gotta try
Turn around, and then you say, "Hi"
If you’re in luck then you’ll start to fly

chorus
Everything in the garden’s rosy
Everything in the garden’s fine
Everything in your world is cosy
Everything is coming up sunshine

First you smile, then you touch skin
And in a while she might let you in
Take a breath and go for a spin
You’re blown away like a bowling pin

chorus

Just a kiss opened the door
You can’t dismiss nature’s law
Into the distance foot to the floor
You’re on a path to forevermore

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

There’s a silverfish dancing on my kitchen floor
If I bring my foot down it won’t dance no more

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Walking in a crocodile ‘round and ‘round all day
sometimes if we’re lucky we can get away
Listen to the radio humming in your ear
The buzz of electricity propels the tender years

Singing hymns in Latin, polishing your shoes
Letters via the laundry, experiments with booze
Watching cabins burning, rude words on a car
Escaping on an exeat to the cinema

chorus
Now we’re dunking biscuits, now we’re sipping tea
Living like vegetables, dying for a pee
Now we’re wearing glasses, as deaf as dumb can be
Forgotten all the alphabet except the letter P

Running ‘round in circles in the Midlands smog
Smoking foreign cigarettes inside the outside bog
Learning chess from Jennifer, I wish I knew her now
She’s lost and gone forever, won’t feel her hand upon my brow

The Beatles hit the headlines, Cassius Clay hit someone else
Christine Keeler looked so pretty, even in a dress
Pretending we were macho when we were just cadets
How the strings were jerking on little marionettes

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We’re Whipsnade Escapees, you see us each week
Raiding your dustbins, afloat in your creek
We once were in cages in your favourite zoo
Eating bananas and having a poo

We’re now on the rooftops, we’re now in the trees
As naked as Adam, as sexy as Eve
We’ll nosh all your flowers and crap on your lawn
We’ll keep you awake from midnight ‘til dawn

chorus
Going------------------------ you’ll never catch me

We’re Whipsnade escapees, you’ll never catch us
We’re behind your sofa, on top of your bus
We’re down the tap end of your plastic bath
When you have a sniffle we have a good laugh

We’re Whipsnade escapees, we’ve got hairy knees
We’re scratching our doo-dahs and giving you fleas
We eat magic mushrooms and fly through the sky
If you say, "Hello" we’ll just wave goodbye

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I want tigers, I don’t want tiger skin
I want the skin with a tiger within
I want rhinos, not crushed rhino horns
I don’t get sexually high on matted hair as hard as corns

I want moose, not antlers on the wall
I want moose with their antlers, I want moose with their balls
I want life to live as long as it can
For everything an opposite, no dolly for a ram

chorus
I want elephants, not ivory
The ivory’s no good without an elephant to me
I want elephants, not ivory
The ivory’s no good without an elephant, you see

I want rabbits that don’t smoke cigarettes
I want one headed dogs that ain’t training to fly jets
I want seals, I don’t want seal fur coats
I wanna look like a human, not a hairy mountain goat

I want frogs with all their legs intact
I want fish with their fingers, and hedgehogs that ain’t flat
I want nature as natural as can be
Don’t wanna see stuffed creatures around a plastic tree

A plastic tree?

chorus

Don’t be a jumbo dumbo, dumbo. Don’t be a fool
Don’t be a jumbo dumbo, dumbo, Don’t be uncool
Yeh, don’t be a fool

I want elephants
The ivory’s no good without an elephant, you see

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We’re going down the crem’ with grandad
We’re gonna sing a song or two
We’ll hear how he won his medals
And someone will go, "boo-hoo!"
Then we’re of to a party
To raise a glass or two
We’re going down the crem’ with grandad
Soon we’ll be going there with you

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Hey, there’ll never be a barrier that will ever make me wanna stop
And there’ll never be a marching order that will catch me on the hop
And no fat dude in pinstripes’ gonna give me third degrees
No governmental minefield’s gonna bring me to my knees
Hey, hey you’ll never catch this boy

No floosie with a peanut brain will ever steal my heart
And when everyone plays prima donnas I’ll have the other part
‘Cause my walk on role’s simple, it’s just great to be alive
I can hum every Goddamn note from my very first 45
Hey, hey you’ll never catch this boy ........ out !

The great escape takes years to plan
Prisons and dreams go hand in hand
It takes lots of practice to get it right
And lots of sweat through day and night
From the ghetto, from Soweto
From New York and Paraguay
The great escape is always happening
The great escape’s in hue and cry
So bang the ball against the wall
And paint away the rainy days
Tinkle with old car engines
Play guitars ‘til you are stars
Then whoop and holler, leap and shout
The great escape has led you out
Hey, hey you’ll never catch this boy

You won’t find me banging my fist out on lonesome avenue
And you won’t see me wearing old hats when I can wear a hat that’s new
And no jealous eager muckspreader will ever get the dirt on me
I’ll remain the perfect enigma ‘til I’m ten times thirty three
Hey, hey you’ll never catch this boy ........... out !

[Ray Davies]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Refrigerator
I’ve got a refrigerator
I’ve got a washing machine
I’ve got a toilet that flushes
And shampoo to make my hair gleam
Refrigerator
See ya later aligator
Fa fa fa fa fa

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Stiletto heel - click clack
The sweetest curves, head flung back
Stocking top - bare skin
It’s good to be good, but it’s better to sin
Scratch marks on the headboard, hear them tomcats call
Waiting to see her silhouette, waiting to see it all
In the window frame at the close of day
See her shake and shimmy, giving it away

Brassiere strap - dark night
She reveals it all, ooh what a beautiful sight
Scarlet lips - hot flesh
It’s good to be experienced, but it’s better to be fresh
Teethmarks in the pillow, palm prints on the wall
Hear them hound dogs barking, hear them night owls call
Looking at a vision in the window frame
Howling to the rafters "Hey Sugar, what’s your name?"

chorus
She was do do do do doing the sunset strip
Yeah! Hollywood swings to the crack of a whip
She was do do do do doing the sunset strip
Inhibitions disperse to the sound of a well oiled zip

Suspender belt - ding dong!
Wads of filthy lucre in her tiny thong
Bikini wax - and wane
It’s good to be able, but it’s better to be Cain
Sweat stains on the mattress, rivers on the floor
Biting your trembling lip, wiring up your jaw
A supersonic showcase, a perfect 10 score
Stepping from the shadows screaming, "More! More! More!
Show me more!"

chorus

Unzippedy ooh ah, unzippedy ay

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Ringo Ate My Flying Saucer, he wants to drain my sherbet fountain too
The Jelly Babies have been kidnapped, now he's sniffed out the Typhoo Gnu
The Sugar Mice squeal under Wagon Wheels, a lollipop is temporary
Ringo ate my flying saucer. My Jamboree Bag is empty

[Pete Townsend]

Cover song - Lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

I’m the badge on the bonnet of an automobile
I’m eating them flies while you’re turning the wheel
I’m the chip on your shoulder, the turd on your shoe
I’m the one who painted the rainbow blue

chorus
Ah-ha, hobgoblins and fiends
I’m the bones that are scattered
In the killing fields

See the D.A. pointing, hear the hue and cry
Watch the stripper stripping while the undercoat dries
Listen to the wailing at the wailing wall
You can chew on your chains, but don’t chew on your balls

chorus

I’m the venom in the thrust of a two fingered sign
I’m a septic tank stink, I’m a minefield mine
I’m the rusty safety catch on a lunatic's gun
I’m the complete antithesis to a barrel of fun

chorus

See the FTSE falling, hear the fat cats scream
Smell the bacon sarnie in the hungry vegan’s dream
Listen to the metal birds whistling overhead
Examine the enigma of the quick and the dead

chorus

I’m the bones that are scattered in the killing fields
I’m the bones that are shattered

Dem bones, dem bones, dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones

[Bob Cooke, Paul Dean, Bill Hinde, Ray Sparrow, Lynden Williams]

In the dawn of the evening the boat has come to transport you
Three hooded Sirens are your crew
Your captain is a skeleton

chorus
Just come on, just come on
Come on in the water’s fine
Come on in the water’s fine
And the midnight steamer appears on time
And the midnight steamer appears on time

In the dawn of the evening people make love to make death
your coffin is on a cabin shelf
Your journey is very long

chorus

In the dawn of the evening a passage is reserved for you
The boat has come to transport you
You just can’t linger on

chorus

[Bob Cooke, Paul Dean, Bill Hinde, Ray Sparrow, Lynden Williams]

Long hot night thinking of you, tears fill my eyes
All night long I sit alone searching the cloudy skies
The eagle lifts his hooded head, surveys the countryside
Searching for something to kill, then starts the midnight ride

chorus

“Alright!” this martyr screams, “you’ve nailed me to my bed.
Imprisoned me to my dreams, locked inside my head.”

Darkness you are my friend, I know your secret now
When someone falls along the way only you know how
The panther lifts his blackened paw and stalks the countryside
Searching for something to die, then starts the midnight ride

chorus

Nightmares reverberate ‘round this dissolving room
Whilst thunder’s heartbeat bangs the drum, adds rhythm to the gloom
The creature lurks within us all, gives venom to our pride
It’s tooth ‘n’ nail ‘n’ fang ‘n’ claw upon the midnight ride

chorus

[Jimi Hendrix]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Nighttime, you vicious swine, you've come again to wrap your black cloak around my frightened eyes,
To stifle all my cries
Nighttime, you filthy rat, you don't look back, you run like a bride into the waiting arms of another day,
Across thresholds you play
Oh Sunrise, It's good to see you
Oh Sunrise, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, how did these sheets get so wet?
Why do I always forget that the stars are only the jewels in the crown of the Eiderdown Kid
Who can't be hid from the Bogiemen
The night patrol who prowl these bedrooms like sentries waiting for the password
Waiting for the challenge

The sweat of the Sun, and the tears of the Moon
All glimmer in the fading gloom
It's all too soon, We turn away
We turn to grey before we hear the clarion call

Winter, you creeping death, you never fail to prod your deep freeze fingers into this rotten pie
You always wave bye-bye
Winter, you son of a bitch, your corner pitch shouts obscenities into ears that never asked to hear
Your frozen features leer
Oh Summer, it's good to feel you
Oh Summer, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, why does this blood feel so cold? Why does this face look so old, when I'm only a child of this Universe?
My carbon date's nil
There's a chill in the shadows, that lengthens with the passing time, that hovers there like kites
Like kites in a hurricane
Like kites over the chasm
We're over, and over, and over, and over, and over
Over the chasm

[Bob Cooke, Paul Dean, Bill Hinde, Ray Sparrow, Lynden Williams]

It’s over now you’ve gone.I guess I just went wrong
I go down by the beach, and watch the ebbing tide
And you are out of reach. Yeah, I guess I’m running wild

It’s over now you’ve gone. You fooled me all along
Walk alone in the night. There’s nowhere I can hide
And you are out of sight. Yeah, I guess I’m running wild

chorus
Moth flies into the candle’s flame
But you realise it’s just the same
Moth flies into the candle’s flame
You’ll go to the fire, from the fire you came

It’s over now you’ve gone, and you’ve just travelled on
I guess you’ll never shed a tear on your kamikaze ride
And you are nowhere near. Yeah, I guess I’m running wild

chorus

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

He wore black leather next to his skin
It was so damned tight you could see where he’d been
He had a skull tattoo with a dagger stuck through
A wicked kinda smile coz his young love was true
Oh no, he was never gonna let her go
There were blue words on his arm saying, “Death or Glory”
Yes, his was just another East Side story
He was bound to meet a gory end
“Let him go! He’s innocent, you know.”

The reaper waits impatiently to send you to eternity
There’s no easy way out, no easy way out of here

He had needle tracks etched in his skin
He flew like the angels but they didn’t know him
His knuckles told a story in words of, “Love and Hate”
The devil and him had a prearranged date
Oh no, he was never gonna let him go
He had a switchblade for a spokesman. It took no second glance
to see it speaking volumes at the downtown dance
He didn’t stand a chance at all
“Let him go! He’s a nobody, you know"

It’s heat ‘n’ flames ‘n’ coffin nails
It’s “Over and Out!"
To screams ‘n’ wails you go
[ Let’s go! ]

It’s hell on Earth. For what it’s worth you decompose
There’s no rebirth
You go

The void is calling to you
The void is calling you
The void is calling out to you

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Hot steamy nights and rivers of flesh
There’s a fire down below. A heart to be let
A door slamming shut, and an empty stare
Shadows disappear in the searchlight’s glare
You’re burning up. You’re burning down
You cry for release coz you’re too tightly bound

chorus
There’s hellhounds frothing on your trail
The thud of the hammer. The clunk of the nail
Banging, banging all night long
Banging! Banging all night long

Cold frosty days and slithers of ice
There’s a mind numbing freeze. A head in a vice
A chain on your soul. The turn of a key
A figure in black staring to the sea
There’s no way out. There’s no way in
Your heart of gold’s really made out of tin

chorus

Grey morning after and the consequence
A fuse blowing fast. Alone and so tense
The bars of the cage your idealised home
The smile on her face the reason you roam
You’re going down. You’re coming up
Trapped by the taste of her sweet loving cup

chorus

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Faded photograph’s don’t make much sense in the pouring rain
Distant places ain’t no fun when you’re alone again
I’ve been coming back to all of my sweet dreams
I’ve been coming back to me and you
But when I step right on back into Shangri-la
All I find is....

chorus

Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous
Spiders, spiders me and you
Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous - na, na, na
Spiders’ rendezvous

Young girl’s smiles just make you cry when you’re old and grey
Lover’s kisses ain’t no good when she’s far away
I’ve been thinking ‘bout all my sorrow
I’ve been thinking ‘bout me and you
But when I step right on back into yesterday
All I find is....

chorus

It’s no good without you. I just can’t go on
It’s no fun all alone, coz you were the one
Alone in the night I stand and I fall
I cry out, “Baby, you were my all!”
I’m searching for answers. I’m down on my knees
Don’t let this thing happen. Take them away please
All those.....

chorus

[Alex Harvey / Hugh McKenna]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke, Paul Dean, Bill Hinde, Ray Sparrow, Lynden Williams]

It’s the time of night when the wolf sits alone and howls to the moon
It’s the time of night when a man walks alone and ponders his doom
It’s the time for looking around to see who’s waiting for you

chorus
You need a lover. I need a trip.
We need each other before we slip
into another dawn, into another morning
just like today and the day before
In fact I don’t know what I’m looking for right now

It’s the time of night when you look to see whose head is on your pillow
It’s the time of night when you should be high, but you are really low
It’s the time for looking forward to see where you can go

chorus

It’s the time of night when a man says to you, "When did you die?”
It’s the time of night when the smile on her face makes you cry
It’s the time for looking back, and to wonder, “Why?”

chorus

[Joe Jackson]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Sad faces always stare at me from everywhere I look, I guess they're just not free
To break ranks from the wind and rain, to hold their heads up high and catch a Southbound train

I'm wondering if I'm right or wrong to take a chance on love, or sing a blue-tinged song
Heartaches are counted by the score, so do I run away or do I climb on board?

This road could lead to wrack and ruin
This road could lead nowhere at all
This road can turn you round in circles
This road could make you feel so small

Tailgating ain't a thing to do, when your blood runs hot you're more meat for the stew
Life seems to be a box of tricks when you're two foot tall, and daddy's camera clicks

Say cheese, say please, say whatever you like
This house is burning while we're searching for the light

I'm hoping there's a place for me in the master plan of this uncertainty
I'll shove theories through the smallest chinks until the angels laugh, and God turns and winks

This life could end in disillusion
This life could end in fantasy
This life could end with trumpets blowing
This life can end before you've found the key

I could never strike the perfect pose, does it really matter if you lose by a nose?
It's real dumb to expound your pain when the vultures wait to make your lose, their gain

Say why? Say 'bye! Say whatever you will
This ship is sinking, before we've had our fill

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

In '41 you were on the ack-ack gun
Life was hard in wartime London Town
Kate and you met for an hour or two
You walked her home, then you were alone

You live, you love, and you die

In '52 the kids went to school
You pay the rent on a small bungalow
Kate and you - you climb a rung or two
But in your dreams you're kings and queens

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - you little wind-up toy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the medals shine they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

In '63 music gave identity
Kids found an aim to live differently
Kate and you - you save a pound or two
To buy guitars - the kids play in bars

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - your mother's pride and joy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the spirit's hot they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

In '74 the kids are on tour
They're shooting stars - in concert halls, not bars
Kate and you - you live in luxury
The kids saw you right - they phone every night

You live, you love, and you die

In '85 you're not alive
you're just a name in the archive
Kate and you - you saw it through
But time goes by, and all those tears dry

You live, you love, and you die

ack-ack, ack-ack boy - no memory can destroy
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - while the poppy's worn they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - in dreams you're now deployed
ack-ack, ack-ack boy - 'midst visions of derring-do they'll shout
ack-ack, ack-ack boy

[Donovan]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus...
Magnolia walls, magnolia walls, magnolia, magno-oo-oh-oo-oh-oo-oh

In this modern world we live
Not many perks not many kicks
Not many secrets we unearth
Too many wounds for us to lick in...

chorus

In the clamour of today
With media pap in ear and eye
We don't know truth, we can't disguise
Our lack of hope, or alibi in...

chorus

The key's turned, we hide within
Constant turmoil, constant pain
Anaesthetised by nothing great
No deep joy, just deep disdain in..

chorus

We're lost and never found
We fade away without a sound

We're lost, but never missed
Our cheeks are turned, but never kissed, in...

chorus

We scrape, and bow, and scurry by
So many beggars at the door
Salvation's not a word we know
There's only fear within the core of...

chorus - magnolia walls

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Sitting at my electric window, in my little room
Faces, which are now familiar, lighten up my gloom
Wish they could stay forever, I'd like to meet a few
And talk inconsequential stuff, and share a joke or two
And fall asleep with their laughter ringing in my ears
Instead of all these years of emptiness
Yeah, all these years - all these years
All these years of blues

Guess I'm just a lonely one, when could be a homely one with you

I don't stare at my reflection in a darkened window pane
I guess I look too gruesome now, so I don't play that old ego game
But like wine in old containers I'm maturing day by day
This crusty pie's real sweet inside, I'm an ideal take away
I'd like to feed your hunger, and calm your stormy seas
After all these years of craziness
Yeah, all these years, all these years
All these years of blues

I guess I'm just a lonely one, when I could be a homely one
I guess I'm just a lonely one

[Nancy Wilson / Craig Bartok]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Hey girl it might take all night, but let's get it right - there's no defeating nature
And if you wonder 'bout the things I do - I do them all for you. I ain't gonna fake ya
And if you wanna know, you really wanna know, I'm not gonna run away
I'm just gonna face ya
And right from the start I'll tell it from the heart, you're a doll
But I'm not gonna break ya

Hey girl. Hey girl

Hey girl every single day we'll be caught in rays of soul enriching rapture
And if you wanna wish upon a star, a star is not too far for us both to capture
And if we share this life we'll really share this life, I'm not gonna shy away
I'll just stand and clap ya
I'll guarantee no tears through the many years, you're my baby
And I would never trap ya

Hey girl. Hey girl

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Anyday - Love!

Hey girl this could last all life. A love that is so rife don't need no rhyme nor reason
And if you think about the things we'll see, we'll see a melody that's always right in season
And when we're really old, yeah really, really old, we won't dress to impress
We'll still have our jeans on
And when this flame is snuffed it won't be so tough, 'cause my angel
It's Heaven that we've been on

Hey girl. Hey girl. It's Heaven that we've been on

Hey girl it might take all night, but let's get it right
And if you wonder 'bout the things I do, I do them all for you
And if you wanna know, you really wanna know, I'm not gonna run away
And right from the start I'll tell it from the heart

Hey girl. Hey girl. Hey girl

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

You start me up and oversee the flow
I count the seconds to the afterglow
You press my button, you peruse my face
My hands stop, our worlds embrace

Up in the morning and out on the road
That's the way that the glory unfolds
Foot after foot chasing the time
Gotta be first to the thin white line

When you're running you leave me standing here

You're pushing envelopes to post your dreams
I'm metronomic in your field of schemes
You press my button and we interface

Press - turn me on again
Push - turn me on again

Out on the track and ready to fight
Trying to win a nation's delight
You're running hot, and you're running cold
You're in the race for the circle of gold

When You're running you leave me standing here

Press - Turn me on again
Push - turn me on again

Turn me on

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Look into the sunset darling, walk along the shore
Waiting for tomorrow to come knocking on our door
You and I the wanderers beneath the ancient skies
You and I the reason, you and I the prize
Who knows if the answers will be bottled in a jar?
Or in the eyes of strangers who've travelled from afar?
Never gonna be the only one to feel like this
You and I the haven, in your arms the kiss

Take me to the future darling, take me to the past
Take me to forever, just make this feeling last
You and I the shelter, you and I the storm
You and I the laughter tiptoeing 'round the scorn
Who knows if the endgame will justify the race?
Or when the makeup's rubbed away, will it show a better face?
Never gonna be the only one to fall and bleed
You and I the garden, inside us the seed

When the fires subside darling we'll be carbon clues
To the vast enigma of particles and glue
You and I reminders of the fullness that was filled
You and I the memory of some forgotten thrill
Who knows if the hunger will illuminate the way?
Or when the journey's over will there be a bill to pay?
Never gonna be the only one to question, Why?
You and I the silence summoned by a cry

Cry. Cry

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Squadron leader to the boys, let's turn and head for home
The war is over, we were few but we were not alone
Put on your demob suit and lead the simple life
Tell stories of your glories when you're free from your trouble and strife
Your Sunday dinner's burning, and the heads are turning
Come on in boy, come on in
Well give me one more drink and the chance to sing

chorus
We fly in helicopters over sea and over ground
We fly in helicopters we go up, and we come down

Squadron leader to the boys, let's remember those old days
Once a year at the Bull & Bush, through a rose-tinted haze
Put on your Sunday best and head for the re-union
Shout and yell about your hell, when you dodged the ack-ack communion
The wives are in the lounge, pie-eyed and very loud
Come on in boys, come on in
Well give us one more drink and the chance to sing

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Let's go to bed, start counting sheep
I'll climb on top, fall in so deep
Under the Eider, far away
Recharging for another day

Let's step on board and go somewhere
A change'll be good for your chair
Over the sea, and up above
Don'tcha, don'tcha mention love
Don'tcha, don'tcha mention.....

Let's smoke the smoke of a pipe dream
Be the cat dressed in blue jeans
The welcome trembling of knees
When you unloose her dungarees
And play the game of birds and bees

Let's find the thing that we all sought
Or all our hopes will come to nought
In the confines of our brains
Chasing shadows on open plains

Let's fill our mouths with birthday cake
Our inner Bunter don't forsake
When the slings and arrows fly
We'll bake shepherds for the pie
Yum-yum, hear them shepherds cry

Let's go gently into the dusk
Breathing in the tell-tale musk
Her sigh after the nightcap drink
Leave marigolds in kitchen sink
It's your cue to sink the pink

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

When I paint my masterpiece you'll be there somewhere in it
In a corner, on a chair, with a smile that permeates the gloom
The viewers in the room will stare

When I say my prayers at night you'll be there somewhere in them
In the forefront, in the glare, with a smile that radiates through time
Angels who know you're mine will stare

You didn't cost much, but you don't come cheap
You can make me laugh, you can make me weep
The magic circles that you draw
Make us rich, although we're poor
We tumble blindly through the door
On the way to Paradise
If we only opened our eyes
And took our heads out of these clear-blue skies
We'd find all those who stare
Know that we're there
Yes, we're already there
We're in Paradise
We just tried it on for size
It didn't take much guile
It only took a smile

When I lay me down to die you'll be there deep within me
Still so pretty, still so fair, with a smile to alleviate the pain
The mourners in the rain will stare

[Anne McCue / Janet Robin]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

He wore black leather next to his skin
It was so damned tight you could see where he’d been
He had a skull tattoo with a dagger stuck through
A wicked kinda smile coz his young love was true
Oh no, he was never gonna let her go
There were blue words on his arm saying, “Death or Glory”
Yes, his was just another East Side story
He was bound to meet a gory end
“Let him go! He’s innocent, you know.”

The reaper waits impatiently to send you to eternity
There’s no easy way out, no easy way out of here

He had needle tracks etched in his skin
He flew like the angels but they didn’t know him
His knuckles told a story in words of, “Love and Hate”
The devil and him had a prearranged date
Oh no, he was never gonna let him go
He had a switchblade for a spokesman. It took no second glance
to see it speaking volumes at the downtown dance
He didn’t stand a chance at all
“Let him go! He’s a nobody, you know"

It’s heat ‘n’ flames ‘n’ coffin nails
It’s “Over and Out!"
To screams ‘n’ wails you go
[ Let’s go! ]

It’s hell on Earth. For what it’s worth you decompose
There’s no rebirth
You go

The void is calling to you
The void is calling you
The void is calling out to you

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

He was in Rio for the Mardi Gras
Searching for Rita in his Mercedes car
She was at Ascot for the One Twenty Three
Spreading his readies like loose confetti
Thunder, lightning, rain and hail
Can't you hear those sirens wail?

He went to Vegas to play some roulette
She flew to Paris in his private jet
He got the cable on his ocean yacht
She'd spent a million on an ocelot
Hellfire, brimstone, grease and slime
Can't you hear those sirens whine?

Your oilfield's on fire
It's burning down
Right to the ground
......Burn!

He'd built up mountains of gilts, stocks and shares
Her ample assets were in silk underwear
He'd budgeted to stay top of the pile
Surgeons pulled faces to redeem her sweet smile
For a while

He was in Norway for the Midnight Sun
Looking for respite in a smoking gun
She was at Harrods burning all of his bread
So he swam the North Sea and he shot her instead
He shot her
Nightmares, monsters scream and growl
Can't you hear those sirens howl?

Your oilfield's on fire
It's burning down
Right to the ground
See the flames
There it goes

Now he's in jail with a glint in his eye
As the interest grows on what's left of his pile

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Do you think that you're so special?
Do you think that you're supreme?
Are you on a road to riches?
Are you the cat that's got the cream?

I guess you can think whatcha wanna
Speak your mind without a comma
But if you're adrift on stormy seas
Or praying to God upon your knees
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Do you consider other people?
Do you consider anyone?
Are you chasing dreams and shadows?
Are you staring into the Sun?

I guess you can ignore whatever
Throwaway, wipe out, or sever
(The) primordial soup that made you bubble
The building blocks of future rubble
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Vacuum years. Whirlpool gears
Jungle leers. No-one hears
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph
Centrefolds splashing in your acid bath
Words from your bloated epitaph
The trembling of your melting golden calf

Do the ghosts peer from the shadows?
Do the ghosts knock on your door?
Are you surfing waves of sorrow?
Are you staring at the floor?

I guess you can bamboozle others
Hide your head beneath the covers
You're not special, you're just someone
With cheesy thoughts akin to Ben Gunn
Wake up! You'll be asleep soon

Where you won't hear - you're never gonna hear
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph
Ghosts marching along the cinder path
Words of love above war's demograph
Echoes of the Charcoal Cenotaph

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I used to love you, but I don't no more
Grabbed my bag an' I shut that door
Took a walk into the rising Sun
Opened my eyes an' I had some fun

I sometimes wonder why ya gotta lie
If the World's a stage you're it's custard pie
Your view of life is mean an' small
I might be no-one but I'm standing tall

chorus
I'm a yardbird honey, I walk the line
I've removed the chains an' the lies that bind
I'm a yardbird honey, I'll pass on by
I'm the wind an' the rain, I'm the lone wolf's cry

I used to wonder, but now I know
If ya put down roots then you'll never grow
If you're up to your neck in piss 'n' tat
You'll be beggin' for more an' expecting a pat

I used to sleepwalk, but now I'm alive
I'm not glued to a sofa in some crummy dive
I was never fooled by the latest trend
I'm travellin' light into a World without end

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully slinky
We're beautiful, from Wigan to Crewe
We're beautiful, this nut needs a screw

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully stinky
We're beautiful, from Blackpool to Leeds
We're beautiful, oh! there go my seeds

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully twinkly
We're beautiful, from Zeals to Loch Ness
We're beautiful, oh! what a mess

We're beautiful, we're beautifully kinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully slinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully stinky
We're beautiful, we're beautifully twinkly

We're beautiful

[Buddy Holly / Norman Petty]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Hot steamy nights and rivers of flesh
There’s a fire down below. A heart to be let
A door slamming shut, and an empty stare
Shadows disappear in the searchlight’s glare
You’re burning up. You’re burning down
You cry for release coz you’re too tightly bound

chorus
There’s hellhounds frothing on your trail
The thud of the hammer. The clunk of the nail
Banging, banging all night long
Banging! Banging all night long

Cold frosty days and slithers of ice
There’s a mind numbing freeze. A head in a vice
A chain on your soul. The turn of a key
A figure in black staring to the sea
There’s no way out. There’s no way in
Your heart of gold’s really made out of tin

chorus

Grey morning after and the consequence
A fuse blowing fast. Alone and so tense
The bars of the cage your idealised home
The smile on her face the reason you roam
You’re going down. You’re coming up
Trapped by the taste of her sweet loving cup

chorus

[Larry Bright]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Alex Harvey / Hugh McKenna]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

Well, I've been in 'Nam, and I was at Omaha
I crawled through the filth and I fought with bare hands
And I fell at Culloden and the Dublin Post Office
And I lie far away in the heart of strange lands
And if only I'd seen you once more for a moment
And strolled through a summer or gone to a fair
If only I'd kissed your lips sweet and tender
I'd be dancing in Heaven, I wouldn't be there
In a field full of poppies, blood-red and so pungent
In a field bulldozed flat by some cavalry charge
I'd rather be riding a horse made of wood
Than have posthumous medals - if only, if only I could

chorus
But the merry-go-round won't take us there
it'll only leave us hanging in the cold night air
No, the merry-go-round can't lead us home
We spin around in circles and we all fall down
Oh-oh-oh! it's just for fun - it's just a merry-go-round

Well, I've been to the Somme and to the Crimea
A soldier of fortune at some nation's birth
And I fell at Little Big Horn and at Stirling Bridge
And I sleep far away in a bed made of earth
And if only I'd been with you more than my childhood
And we'd spun through the years on our merry-go-round
If only I'd married you my fair young maiden
I'd be laughing in Heaven not sad in the ground
In a field full of crosses, bright white and so perfect
In a field venerated by those who survived
I'd much rather ride an old fairground horse
Than be saddled for battle - if only, if only of course

chorus

Well, I've been in 'Nam, and I was at Omaha
And I've been to the Somme and to the Crimea
And I fell at Culloden and the Dublin Post Office
And I fell at Little Big Horn and at Stirling Bridge
And I'm all through the Universe

I'm ashes and dust

[L. Williams]

Beatles, Kinks and Shangri-Las
Blonde haired girls in coffee bars
Beach boys, Doors and Rolling Stones
Vibrating all our flesh and bones
Dylan, Zappa, Beefheart, The Who
My generation's hullabaloo

And now for another splendid band, Deckchair Poets

(Who?)

[R. Cooke / L. Williams]

Wake up, hit alarm, shake a leg, shake yer head
Home fries, bills to pay. bad breath, wend your way, working day
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Rub eyes, punch a card, work to bone, worker drone
Bell sounds, punch the air, head aches, sit in chair, empty stare
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Summer days they call to me across the seas of time
And I remember walking on the sand
The pretty butterflies in the air
(So there)

Beam me up again - get me outta here

Head out, throw a dart, smoke a smoke, choke a joke
Drink up, heading home, throw up, fuse is blown, steal a cone
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

Flop down, turn a switch, telly glare, telly snare
Head up, hit the hay, flat out, treadmill day, life decay
I'm getting nowhere - nowhere at all

[N. Innes]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Dictators' stupid uniforms, they're dressed like Christmas trees
They look like Widow Twanky or a technicolour sneeze
Skull and crossbone badges, jackboots and swastikas
Who thought up all this nonsense - drunken fools in bars?

Multicoloured medal ribbons from chest to shoulder blade
Scrambled egg on cap peaks, the kinetic art parade
Inappropriate overkill to magnify small men
Fashion conscious judges give them nil points out of ten

You can't rule a country when you're dressed like a cartoon
People will say, 'What's up, Doc, is you a Looney Toon?'
You can't rule a country when you're dressed like a buffoon
You may as well go au naturale and make like a baboon

Dictators' gigantic statues covered in pigeon shit
Help you to identify that country's biggest nit
Their gaudy local currency showing that charmless face
resembles toy-town money, looks completely out of place

Their portraits seem heroic, but they hide in palaces
Which are too kitsch to contemplate, but ideal for jumped-up savages
Like-minded fools adore them, others stand with mouths agog
Small pond life can't visualise their Prince is just a frog

You can't rule a country dressed like a panto dame
You ain't got no magic lamp, you're just a-lad-insane

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

chorus
With me Roobaron, with me Roobaron
I'm driving 'cross Gondwana with me Roobaron
With me Roobaron, with me Roobaron
Driving 'cross Gondwana with me Roobar Roobaron

Under the shade of an ancient gum
Watching the hustle, hearing the hum
Sweating salty rivers from every pore
Heightening the pleasure, rubbing the sore

Gazing at the shimmer, swaying in the haze
wondering if the Devil's the Ancient Of Days
Down by a billabong looking at the sky
Waiting for the dingoes to stare me in the eye

chorus

Turn up the heat, turn down the cool
Skins like brown leather, eyes like swimming pools
Swallowing the dust and throwing up the gold
Whatever's there to buy is waiting to be sold

Spitting at a camel, wrestling with a croc
Showin' my melanoma to the flying doc
There's stars up above and opals down below
Glugging down a tinny before the Abba show

chorus

(Skippy! Watch out!)

There used to be the Dreamtime - everything came from the dream
Let's go back to the Dreamtime - let's dream, let's dream, let's dream

There's lots of sods lying under the earth
Doing the sneaky from Alice to Perth
Observing the curve of a boomerang
There's little Wallabies with pouches for prams

Slapping on the sunblock, cooking up some frogs
Digging with a shovel 'cause there ain't no bogs
Clapping Aborigines streaked in white
Stamping their feet, what a splendid sight

chorus

(Skippy! - Get out the way! - Hop it!)

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Mr Future, Mr Future is waiting to be free - like he should be.

[Billy Connolly]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Running down a highway like a flash of light
A vapour trail racing clean out of sight
Radio blaring, hear that mother moan
Rubber tyres burning a long way from home

We were gone - but we were nowhere at all
We were gone - an echo in an empty hall

Blowin' our minds on a chemical trip
Pawning our bodies for a lucky dip
We were strung out on silver, strung out on gold
We were swinging from the trees 'til we lost our hold

chorus
We were shadows, shimmers in the morning haze
Shadows, footnotes on a musty page

Shovelin' the coal 'n' lighting the fire
'Til the juices flow from a funeral pyre
Stokin' an ego, strokin' a cat
Bowling a googlie to the opening bat

We were gone - we were never here at all
We were gone - an echo in an empty hall

Suicide bombers think they'v got the key
With delusions of their immortality
This Earth ain't yours, this Earth ain't mine
We're just visiting for a very short time

We were shadows - ripples on the rising Sun
We were shadows - just like a Dinosaur's hum

chorus

Nobodies, nobodies, yeah! ( yeah-yeah-yeah )

What's around the corner? What's around the bend?
Well I guess you know it's just the end

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

I took my fly swimming but the poor thing drowned
I didn't hear it screaming, it didn't make a sound

Should've wheeled out the tandem, or gone jogging
I won't slide the same on my fly-less toboggan

So bye-bye-bye
Bye-bye little fly
I never got to wave goodbye
I just got to cry

There's a dent in the pillow on my lonesome bed
I'll never see its blue nose next to my pink head

So don't take your fly swimming unless you've a Mae West
A little-bitty pretty one to fit its little-bitty chest

[N. Lowe / D. Edmunds / B. Bremner / T. Williams]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

We're blank, we are nothing
We're just like a muffin
We're a black hole in a black painted room
We're lost in confusion
Is this an illusion?
Is it always midnight, or is it high noon?

We're old we are rotten
We're all dressed in cotton
We're chucked away in a cold wooden box
We're churning in sadness
which adds to our madness
We can't be unique when we all bleat in flocks

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

She looked like a poet but she danced like a orang-utan
Her chest was gigantic it was bigger than The Isle Of Man
Her grass wasn't dry but she still liked his watering can
Her engine was oiled but it always smoked and went bang!

chorus 1
I can tell you everything, everything you wanna know
I can tell you everything, even The Queen has got B.O.

She read like a novel but she was a thumbed magazine
Her knickers went yo-yo and let off a whole lot of steam
Her mind was elastic, just like an Edvard Munch 'Scream'
She turned on his hose to make her Sahara green

chorus 2
I can tell you everything, everything you need to know
I can tell you everything, why Napoleon said, 'No, no, no!'
chorus 1

She felt like champagne but she bubbled like cheese on toast
Her honey was dripping when she ogled his morning post
Her head was in Devon but her feet were on the Barbary Coast
She smiled on Page 3 when she learnt what her whoppers had grossed

chorus 1

Her cheetah was sweeter than her sausage dog named Fang
If she had a chance she'd like to hit it with her frying pan
She'd had them all, yeah she'd even had Kool And The Gang
They called her a bike, but hey, all aboard, she's a tram

chorus 2
chorus 1

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

On a roof top ready to jump
In the sack ready to hump
In the depths, head on the block
The axe swings, scavengers flock

What's the use about counting all your money?
What's the use about pampering your body?
What's the use about getting out of bed?
When the chips are down and something's buzzing in your head

chorus
'Cause there's nothing new to learn
There's no reason to smile
Who needs their 15 minutes
When there's no hands on the dial?
Why do all he pleasantries
When there's so much bile?
Why don'tcha throw your useless self
Onto the worthless pile?

Hey, Adolf! Hey, Nelson! Hey, Julius Caesar!
Hey, Custer! Hey, Ghandi! Hey, Boadicea!
Hey, Lenin! Hey, Genghis! Hey, any dead geezer!
Hey, Napoleon! (Hey, Napoleon!), you ain't missing anything!
(Sweet F. A.!!)

What's the use about smelling of roses?
What's the use about sniffing white powder up yer noses?
What's the use about shitting golden bricks?
When the banking system's crumbling and your motives really stink

chorus

Hey, Plato! Hey, Buddha! Hey, Lionheart!
Hey, Wallace! Hey, Ming! Hey, Joan Of Arc!
Hey, Judas! Hey, Cleo! Hey, any ol' fart!
Hey, Napoleon!

Hey, Franco! Hey, Moa! Hey, Marta Hari!
Hey, Stalin! Hey, Vincent! Hey, Mark Anthony!
Hey, Arthur! Hey, Ludwig! Hey, any stiff body!
Hey, Napoleon! You ain't missing anything!

On a roof top ready to fly

On a roof top ready to jump
Down on the road you land with a thump!

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

I'm pointing Percy at the porcelain
I've done it so many times before
I'm pointing Percy at the porcelain
I hope nobody walks through the door
(Cor blimey, guv'ner)
I hope nobody walks through the door

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

The vicar's daughter - ooh, what a corker!
She would never do what you thought she oughta
Her legs were endless, but invariably crossed
If she put on some slap she'd be twinned with Kate Moss
You wanna tell her that she looks real good
That if she only could then you obviously would
You wanna tell her that she looks real neat
Why don't she come to yours and take the weight off her feet?

You've taken trouble, been bent double
You've affixed a fish an' shaved off your stubble
You've been to her church an' knelt on your knees
You're hoping her God will answer your pleas
You wanna tell her that she looks real fine
That you're as straight as an arrow, you're right on the line
You wanna tell her that she looks real cool
Why don't she come to yours an' show you all her pretty jewels?

You've got a fish on your car
Well, hallelujah!
You've got a fish on your (beep-beep!) car

The daughter's sister, how could you miss her?
if the daughter somehow couldn't then her sister might kiss yer
They've got things that get you all a fluster
All the bits and pieces that a sisterhood can muster
You wanna tell them that they look real nice
If something's special then it's even better twice
You wanna tell them that they look real swish
Why don't they come to yours then you could fill their empty niche?

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

My willy's caught in my zipper
My willy's stuck to my flies
That's why I'm crying
That's why I've got bloodshot eyes
My willy's caught in my zipper
How can I get it loose?
If I keep on tuggin'
I'll be hung like a moose

My Willy's caught in my zipper
The zip's snagged to my skin
Doctor if you use that hacksaw
You'll leave my willy desperately thin
My willy's caught in my zipper
What on Earth can I do?
Won't somebody kiss it better?
all you ladies form an orderly queue

My willy's caught in my zipper
It's teeth are giving me grief
Won't someone tell the fire brigade
To come and save my barrel of beef?
My willy's caught in my zipper
My willy's a total mess
If I don't get this sorted
I'll end up wearing a dress

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

She dived into a yoghurt and he drove into a tree
He always left the seat up on her pristine lavatory
He gargled with gin and tonic while she sipped her lemon tea
He was hounded by Mother Nature, she was bitten by his flea

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's live au naturale on warts 'n' all t.v.
Let's go to Bognor Regis and throw chips at the moon
Let's set a trap for Goldilocks, and twang that silver spoon

Up with the Hoi Polloi, down with the hunting set
Let's admire that string vest, that the birdies could've used for a nest...

...In the tree that he drove into when he required her lavatory
He would have loved her yoghurt, it was black cherry
She finished off her knitting while he made more debris
Mother Nature was no match for her jar of T.C.P.

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's sharpen our vitriol and wear something leathery
Let's gatecrash the wedding and throw jelly at the groom
Let's ponder the imponderable and twang that silver spoon

Up with knotted hankies and down with underpants
Best to swallow humble pie than to ignore mankind and live a lie

She looked like Skinny Minnie, she'd been eating Special K
He looked like Dr Findlay, and he came from Tannoch Brae
They were bound by their endeavour to expand The Milky Way
Her booty was a cutie, just like a Shakespeare play

Let's go down to the woods, let's go down to the sea
Let's fling our shackles in the air and pretend we're really free
Let's go to Havana, let's fly there on your broom
Let's ban champagne guzzlers, and twang that silver spoon

Up with all things normal, down with the overblown
Whoopie cushions all go bang! whilst Ollie's guitar's choogling, twang! twang! twang!

[O. Hannifan / L. Williams]

Instrumental track

[R. Cooke / L. Williams]

He's in the cookhouse making sausage and beans
While he's thinking of schemes to find a lady of means
He spoons the mess to all of the guys, and then he turns away
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

He's got a picture of the Mrs and kids
That he keeps near his heart, even though they're apart
He shows it to all of the guys so they don't think he's gay
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

chorus
When he's alone he's thinking of war
All the places the soldiers saw
Imagining where he'd like to be
Tobruk, Mafeking and Gallipoli
And when he's in bed he starts to scream
Always has that same old dream
Mau Mau attack - every night
Mau Mau attack - oh-oh-oh-oh
Mau Mau attack - out goes the hand
Mau Mau attack - out goes the hand for the light

He's in the nuthouse throwing traumas and toys
While he's making a noise about the cavalry boys
He blows his top at all of the guys, then he starts to play
Sgt Friday - Sgt Friday

chorus

He's one of the light brigade - Sgt Friday

[Hannifan / Williams]

I read your rhubarb on the web today
Your diary's full of words of decay
The hype you type is so untrue
The chip on your shoulder's made a fool out of you

I see you're living in the past again
making up tales of where and when
Those days are gone, they've passed on by
No-one cares if you live or die

chorus
Boo-Hoo! Nobody's crying
Boo-Hoo! over a fool like you
Boo-Hoo! Nobody's lying
They don't give a monkeys 'bout the things
You supposedly do

You washed up on some distant shore
Your pearls of wisdom are such a bore
Your neighbours wish they'd all gone deaf
You're a bit of a boon to the National Health

chorus

You're lost in the desert of your head
Your crumminess don't sell no bread
You're good at this, you're good at that
one thing's for sure, you're a total twat

You wanna be worshipped, you wanna be loved
But you're as subtle as a concrete glove
Well go on punk and make our day
Your attitude's gonna blow you away

chorus

[Cooke / Williams]

Nighttime, you vicious swine, you've come again to wrap your black cloak around my frightened eyes,
To stifle all my cries
Nighttime, you filthy rat, you don't look back, you run like a bride into the waiting arms of another day,
Across thresholds you play
Oh Sunrise, It's good to see you
Oh Sunrise, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, how did these sheets get so wet?
Why do I always forget that the stars are only the jewels in the crown of the Eiderdown Kid
Who can't be hid from the Bogiemen
The night patrol who prowl these bedrooms like sentries waiting for the password
Waiting for the challenge

The sweat of the Sun, and the tears of the Moon
All glimmer in the fading gloom
It's all too soon, We turn away
We turn to grey before we hear the clarion call

Winter, you creeping death, you never fail to prod your deep freeze fingers into this rotten pie
You always wave bye-bye
Winter, you son of a bitch, your corner pitch shouts obscenities into ears that never asked to hear
Your frozen features leer
Oh Summer, it's good to feel you
Oh Summer, it's good to know that you're here
But tell me, why does this blood feel so cold? Why does this face look so old, when I'm only a child of this Universe?
My carbon date's nil
There's a chill in the shadows, that lengthens with the passing time, that hovers there like kites
Like kites in a hurricane
Like kites over the chasm
We're over, and over, and over, and over, and over
Over the chasm

[Kahn - Leosong Copyright Service Ltd.]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Cooke / Williams]

In the shadows of this city
Beneath the froth of fame and pity
Where the young hearts have such vision
To laugh at scorn and mad derision
To cock a snook at nothing more
Than prima donnas and slamming doors
To find a place to call their haven
A warmth from which they can't be driven

Within the function of romance
Of fate, or toil, but mostly chance
The liberated point the way
To what must be the perfect day
When, as one, we rise ignited
To share the hopes of all united
To be a light within a storm
to start again, to be reborn

chorus
Shangri-La! Voyages of the cerebral
Shangri-La! Constancy and love eternal
Shangri-La! A kiss upon the timeless brow
Shangri-La! Within the grasp of here and now

Outside the walls of sad malfunction
Roads diverge at fog-bound junction
Travellers all with tales to tell
Of straight and narrow, or rebel yell
Wings upon the thermals soar
Whilst others crawl across the floor
On a trail to new tomorrows
To find a world that we can borrow

chorus

[Clapton / Harrison - E C Music Ltd. PRS / Harrisongs Ltd. PRS / Unichappel Music, Inc. BMI]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Cooke / Williams]

Faded photograph’s don’t make much sense in the pouring rain
Distant places ain’t no fun when you’re alone again
I’ve been coming back to all of my sweet dreams
I’ve been coming back to me and you
But when I step right on back into Shangri-la
All I find is....

chorus

Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous
Spiders, spiders me and you
Spiders, spiders’ rendezvous - na, na, na
Spiders’ rendezvous

Young girl’s smiles just make you cry when you’re old and grey
Lover’s kisses ain’t no good when she’s far away
I’ve been thinking ‘bout all my sorrow
I’ve been thinking ‘bout me and you
But when I step right on back into yesterday
All I find is....

chorus

It’s no good without you. I just can’t go on
It’s no fun all alone, coz you were the one
Alone in the night I stand and I fall
I cry out, “Baby, you were my all!”
I’m searching for answers. I’m down on my knees
Don’t let this thing happen. Take them away please
All those.....

chorus

[Hannifan / Williams]

Took a private plane to Vienna
Roy Young Band made us sing, fruit - (Froot!)
Bill wore Bob's jeans, spent the flight in sick dreams
Whilst Spartacus flew with us on foot
Those distant days - that time decays

Paper planes fly in formation
East Of Eden's axeman turns green - (Green!)
Little bottles of booze get stuffed down some alkie's trews
You never know where some drinks have been
You live and learn - but I'll never return

'Cause my death in Germany was racing round the bend
Yeah! My death in Germany came laughing, like a friend

Bused right into the venue
Curved Air's bassist sucks in some weed - (Take heed!)
Richie hung his tongue out for some tart with a pout
consolation for testosterone need
Vienna Steak, was free to take

Gyrating on stage for them humans
We made an impression or two - (Wooo!)
Cops with big guns stared at titties and bums
The music press said, 'How do you do?'
Those waves and screams - the stuff of dreams

But my death in Germany was coming up real fast
Yeah! My death in Germany had nailed my colours to the mast
(Land Ho!)

Got the night train from Vienna
Sleeping on it head to toe - (Oh!)
We'd made the 9 o'clock news, saved all them kids from the blues
But their parents told us to go
Go! Go! Go! Go! - you reap what you sow

Hit the night stage at Speyer
Woke all them mothers up - (Yup!)
Then came the end - the black curtain descends
I left Paradise with a thump
'He's fookin' dead!' - Swarb' said over my head

'Cause my death in Germany was clear for all to see
Yeah! My death in Germany took me clean away

So I danced the dance of death
Until the Yanks yanked back my breath
There was no God - nothing at all
Perhaps he was out when I made my call

It was my death in Germany!

[Hannifan / Williams]

Gave them yellow Stars Of David
Dressed them in pyjama stripes
Gave them no consideration
Before they robbed them of their lives

Stole their teeth and glasses
Stole their clothes and hair
Stole everything they ever owned
Killed them when they were bare

Tattooed numbers on the children
Made lampshades from their skin
Got the ovens burning
Stuffed their little bodies in

Said they only did it
As orders must be obeyed
Got their whips a-cracking
Their trains can't be delayed

They goose-stepped into Poland
They goose-stepped everywhere
Scared all the brave ones
Strapped them to the torture chair

They brutalised so many
Gave no-one a second glance
Stole the unborns' future
Burnt communities in France

They murdered all the gypsies
Those with mental illness too
The disabled an the different
They'd like to have killed you

They ran away like cowards
When the war was done
Said they only shuffled papers
Never held a smoking gun

They never showed contrition
Lived off what they stole
Glad they'd stuffed those millions
In some stinking hole

And what was God doing
When this time bomb ticked?
Had he handed in a letter
Saying he was off work sick?

[Hannifan / Williams]

Across the crumbling bridge of fate
The Tollman lays his head
Staring at the murky seas
Asking if he's really dead
The thunder rumbles overhead
And everyone has gone
You look around in vain for them
to find you're all alone

Stumbling! Falling! Screaming!
The never-ending end performs its tricks
The sky's crimson curtain flaps like a wounded wing
All the dead awake, awake and bring
The dance macabre into your reality

Let's dance, let's dance
But given half a chance, just run
As revelations bang the drum

Evaporation! Separation! Damnation!
The final identity parade confirms your guilt
Sinner! Sinner!
You're not a winner!

The trap door swings for you to fall
You're splattered in the scarlet hall
Your breathless mouth wide and agog
Your lifeless eyes lost in the smog
of fireballs bowling the dregs away
An aftermath of ashen grey
Where's your halo rich man/fool?
Did you think Hell would be cool?
Well, did ya, punk?

And from the Heavens the horsemen come
Dark shadows against the bubbling Sun
And as you burn and melt to dust
Become part of tectonic crust
The howling wind, and crackling flames
Have made amends, demanded claims
and cleansed a way for something new
a new which doesn't include you

Throughout the terminals of time
The legions all fall down
Like dinosaurs they disappear
Crushed pawns and broken crowns
The thunderbolts reverberate
And fate demands its fee
All vanities, desires and dreams
Flushed down Death's lavatory

War! Pestilence! Famine! Death!
These are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Grannie's keeled over, she's been on the eggnog
Uncle's on sherry number twenty two
All the little kiddies have got sore tummies
They're queuing up outside the loo

It's Christmas in Bognor Regis
Everyone's kissing under mistletoe
It's Christmas in Kilimanjaro
All the fat lions are merry too

Too much brandy on the flaming pudding
It resembles an incendiary bomb
Everyone dives behind the sofa
'Twas a bargain made in Hong Kong

It's Christmas in Torbrex Village
Everyone's playing blind man's bluff
It's Christmas in the Antarctic
All the pretty penguins are in the buff

Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Ha!-Ha!-Ha!
Don't say, "Humbug!"  Tra!-La!-La!-La!-La!
Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Take cover, lover!
Ollie's gonna hit ya with some hot guitar!

The sherry trifle turns your legs to jelly
There's only war films on the telly
Auntie's ashes were sent into space
Which means the table has an extra place
     (bagsy!-bagsy!)  (No, it's mine!-it's mine!)  (Yippee!)

The crackers go bang! The jokes are silly
They're only fit for cousin Billy
The paper hat never fits one's head
Some party goers should've stayed in bed

Wake up! Come down stairs, quick! You're gonna miss it all! - Queen's speech!

THE BRITISH NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!!!

Sister's crying over her poster of Herman
That's pinned to her bedroom wall
The After Eights were gone before seven
On Quality Street they're having a ball

It's Christmas in the Outback
Everyone's dancing with kangaroos
It's Christmas on Christmas Island
Perhaps the missing present's stuck in the flue

Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Ha!-Ha!-Ha!
Don't say,"Humbug"  Tra!-La!-La!-La!-La!
Ho!-Ho!-Ho!  Move over, Rover!
While Ollie takes you walkies with some hot guitar!

Sleigh me one more time, Santa!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]


Chorus:-
              Took three Kings to give you frankincense
              Took three Kings to give you gold
              Took three Kings to give you myrrh
              Took the King to give you rock 'n' roll

The Angels told the shepherds,  who took their sheep
Down to the inn, to see the baby sleep
The cattle chewed, and the donkey snoozed
And all the King's horses didn't have a clue

             Chorus

The Herald Angels whispered their songs on high
The Magi led their camels quietly by
No one wanted Herod to hear the news
About the King in the inn with the blue suede shoes

             Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


Used to live on top of the hill
Happy days 'til daddy got ill
Suddenly we were Jack and Jill
And it all came tumbling own
Yes, it all came tumbling down

Back then it was black and white
Lonely days and silent nights
We were hoping to get a sight
Of pretty maids all in a row
Yeah, pretty maids all in a row

Chorus:-
              Hot water bottles 'til the break of dawn
              I wanna waffle without any corn
              Be wide awake until I start to yawn
              Then it's hot water bottles until Christmas Morn

Used to choke on kipper bones
In the days before telephones
Before the sheep knew it was a clone
And her fleece was white as snow
Yes, her fleece was white as snow

Dib-dib-dib and Dob-dob-dob
Peel potatoes for Bob-A-Job
Leave Santa biscuits by the kitchen hob
Coz we all want three bags full
Yeah, we all want three bags full

            Chorus

Go to school to do your ABC's
Stay at home when you start to sneeze
Muffin The Mule was a bit of a wheeze
You can see how your garden grows
Yeah, see how your garden grows

Wave bye-bye to Newport town
Santa's reindeer are Stirling bound
I'll stay under the eiderdown
Because the North Wind will blow
And we all will have snow

          Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


If you're out and about on the night of December 24th
Then, good golly! - Take a brolly! - You never know what might come tumbling down
From way up high

There's reindeer in the sky. There's reindeer in the sky
Oh-my, oh-my, oh-my! - There's reindeer in the sky
Put your umbrella up - don't become a mucky pup

There's reindeer up above. There's reindeer up above.
They're bigger than a dove  (they're bloody huge)
There's reindeer up above
If they put their tails up - Look out! - They're gonna take a dump

It's the brown side of the sleigh. The brown side of the sleigh
Another gift for Christmas Day  (a brown, brown gift)
It's the brown side of the sleigh
Get shovels! - Scoop the yuck! - Your roses will lap it up

Those roses don't have noses
Those roses don't have noses
Those roses don't have noses - but they always smell

There's reindeer in the sky. There's reindeer in the sky.
Oh-my-my-my-my-my-my -my-my!
There's reindeer in the sky
When Santa comes to town you'll see the brown come tumbling down

Here come the brownies! Here come the brownies!
Look out! They're pouring down!
Here come the brownies! Here come the brownies!
Hey! Look out Brown Owl!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


Let's be more generous than Scrooge
Give Brussel sprouts to those in Bruges
Clothe all the beaches filled with nudes
Let's spare the blushes of the prudes

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, spare a hanky for a sneezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, don't put money in the freezer

I heard the Ghost of Christmas Present
Say, "Go veggie, save the pheasant
Sit you down and break some bread
And just pull wishbones in your head"

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, spare cough mixture for a wheezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, don't act like a Roman Caesar

I saw the Ghost of Christmas Past
He said, "Hey man, life's such a blast
Remember all the things you've done
Well carry on and have more fun"

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, let's sit down and read the Beezer
Ebenezer, Ebenezer, become the perfect Christmas geezer

I know the Ghost of Christmas Future
Could heal the World with one small suture
You'll be in stitches to the end
A stitch in time will help you mend

Ebenezer, Ebenezer, come on, Eb, don't be a teaser
Don't be a Charlie! - What the Dickens?
Who plucked all them Christmas chickens?

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


Go! Rudolph! Go! Ride on through the snow
Bring joy to everyone. Go! Rudolph! Go!

Chorus:-
              Go! Donner! Go! Blitzen! Go! Prancer too!
              Go! Comet! Go! Vixen! Go! Dancer! Go!
              Go! Cupid! Go! Dasher! Give Rudolph a hand

Keep your antlers up when you come in to land
Go! Rudolph! Go!

Glow! Rudolph! Glow! Illuminate the snow
Shine a light on everyone, while the North Winds blow

                Chorus

Watch that chimney stack when you come in to land

Glow! Rudolph! Glow! Glow from head to toe
Light up the winter sky. Go! Rudolph! Go!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden  ]


My toys are in the attic, I'm a big boy now
Some people have been at it, and some don't know how
It's getting late now, it's getting dark
I won't take me doggy out for walks in the park
and if you need a clue to help you to get through

Chorus:-
              Then shout! - Yeah, shout! - Come on and shout!
              Open the door and try to get out.
              Open your mouth and start to shout!

My clothes are in the bedroom, I'm a nudist now
Some people demand headroom, then they take a bow
It's getting cold now, Rudolph's in the sky
Won't play me tennis racket, won't mime to FBI
And if you need a hand to help you understand

              Chorus
 
My knees are all a-tremble, I'm a lover now
Some mammas don't resemble Pink Floyd's cow
It's getting hot now, we'll get a tan
I won't strain me grey matter queuing for an ice cream van
And if you need to know how to go, man go!

             Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


Give me a mistletoe kiss
Come on over here miss
Work your legs and work your hips
Shut your eyes and pout your lips

    Let's do the mistletoe jive
    Let's get it on while we're alive
    Shakin' 'til the break of day
    Oh, hold on tight and just sway

Let's cast a mistletoe spell
Climb on board and make me yell
Both end's burnin' through the night
Take a breathe and take a bite

    Let's have a mistletoe squeeze
    Do I have to say, please?
    We'll stay glued until the dawn
    We won't remember how to yawn

Give me your mistletoe look
You don't need to write a book
I can tell what's in your head
And lip read the words you said

    Give me your mistletoe love
    A little push, a gentle shove
    A crackerjack delight
    Your Christmas kiss is dynamite

Give me a mistletoe hug
To prolong the festive bug
Let's go cuckoo for a while
Like conker players on The Nile

    Let's have some mistletoe fun
    Give me a smackeroo, hon'
    We'll win the knobbly knees prize
    And climb a mountain of mince pies

Let's have a mistletoe hoot
And tell Santa, "You're cute"
Let's never ever cry
Until the time we say, "Bye-bye"

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams  ]


I think I saw him from the corner of my eye
The man in red who makes the reindeer fly
I think I heard a noise up on the roof
The sound of laughter and the stomp of a hoof

I thought I saw the imprint of a boot
By the fireplace, in the soot
I wondered where the plate of goodies went
Had they been scoffed by the man in red

Chorus;-
              We're tingling on Christmas Eve
              You'll have to pretend if you don't believe
              We're jingling on Christmas Day
              We're all going gaga over things
              From the man in red's sleigh

I think I saw his shadow on the landing wall
(and) Who was giggling in the downstairs hall?
How did all the presents magically appear?
Was the man in red and his reindeer here?

We think Christmas is a super-duper time
When the man in red walks the line
We should remember what The Magi did
If there's love in your heart it shouldn't be hid

             Chorus

Wake up sleepyhead
Wake up, get out of bed
Tiptoe down the stairs
And see what you've got
From the man in red

           Chorus

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


I saw Santa in New York City
In a club doing the nitty gritty
He swung his sack around the floor
'Til momentum swung him straight on out the door

I saw Rudolph on a street corner
Playing gin rummy with Little Jack Horner
The stakes were high, the chips were down
Steak and chips make Her Majesty frown

Chorus;-
              Some drink champers and some eat hay
              Whilst pine needles sew up Christmas Day
              And flatulence turns the fairy grey
              Whatcha gonna do on Boxing Day?
              Well, what are you going to do, huh?
              Drink more champers, and eat more hay, hay, hay
              Hey! Hey! Hey!

It's so beautiful, it's so wonderful
The snow's so clean and pure
Until it meets reindeer manure

I saw Santa in Tunbridge Wells
Climbing steeples and ringing bells
The highest ding caused us to wake
The lowest dong -  like an earthquake

I saw Rudolph sat on a tuffet
Having a laugh with Little Miss Muffet
Human beings toasted the sight
Beans on toast warm your bed at night

               Chorus

I'm gonna eat some hay

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


What a waste of a good Christmas Tree
What a waste of a good Christmas Tree
It should be in the ground, exuding air to breathe

What a waste of a fat Christmas Goose
What a waste of a fat Christmas Goose
Should've taken your spoon to a chocolate mousse
              
            Run! Moose! Run!

What a waste of a smart Christmas Speech
What a waste of a smart Christmas Speech
Just zip it, hon' - don'tcha start to preach

        Don'tcha!


What a waste of good Christmas Cheer
What a waste of good Christmas Cheer
Don't wanna silent night, just wanna gottle o' geer

        That's right, dummies!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


In the cold wastes when The Sun always shines
And the caribou boo when the polar bear dines
I asked Nanouk, "Man, how do you sleep?
Do you reverse your hoodie so you can't even peep?"

He said, "I chase Mary-Jane 'round the igloo
'Til the snow turns to slush and we smell like zoo
Then we whip off our sealskins, and here comes the fun
If I fancy a nibble I lick her iced buns"

Chorus:-
              Iced buns (whoo-oo-oo) yummity-yums (yummy-yummy, yummy-yummy)
              Iced buns (oo-oo-whoo-hoo) Everybody likes Mary-Jane's iced buns


The enigmatic walrus asked the white rabbit
If he'd ever hopped around to an Abba hit
Well the rabbit didn't understand Walrusese
It was too busy pushing out some frozen pee

When Nanouk came home Mary-Jane was there
Sitting with her tush in the Frigidaire
He gawped in surprise, she said, "Don't drool
I know you like to slip into something cool."

              Chorus

Give us a nibble, baby!

Here comes Papa Noel, now the sleigh ride's done
He once left a teddy for Attila The Hun
He sits down with Mamma for his Christmas Fare
Then they play a game of Twister, 'til they twist their underwear

Now Papa says to Mamma, "What shall we do?
Shall we visit Nanouk in his steamy igloo?"
And in reply to their wishbone wish
Guess what they found waiting on Nanouk's Christmas Dish?

          Chorus

We love 'em!
Umm! - Mary-Jane and her iced buns

Merry Christmas!

[ Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams ]


There's the sea lion off the shore
There's the holly on the door
There's the seagull in the sky
There's the bypass that passes us by
Were we ever made for the weather?
Or were we moaning again?

There's the partridge in the wood
There's the girl with the riding hood
There's the blackbirds in the pie
There's the spyglass that watches us cry
Were we even feasting for Stephen?
Or comfort eating again?

Merry Christmas, here's your present
Merry Christmas, here's yours too
Scoff the pigs, and geese, and turkeys
Stuff the rich, and the starving too

Merry Christmas, each and every
Merry Christmas, one and all
Fire rockets at each other
Make it big and squash the small

There's the camels of The Kings
There's the frankincense and things
There's the tree with baubles on
There's the shy lass with her own King Kong

Merry Christmas, all you wise men
Merry Christmas, all you fools
Count your blessings, flaunt your money
Have yourselves a happy Yule

Merry Christmas, 'til tomorrow
Merry Christmas, 'til it's gone
When we're pushing up the daisies
Who'll remember this silly song?

Merry Christmas, all you shepherds
Merry Christmas, all you sheep
Switch off your life support systems
When the bleepers no longer................

[ Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams ]


I staggered from a haunting night into a crispy dawn
And scared the angels of this town by looking so forlorn

I stumbled on a maiden fair, who'd fallen by the way
And helped her find her feet again upon this Christmas Day

Her smile was like a guiding light that led me to her door
Yes, you washed in from Paradise upon my rocky shore

And you're my heartache
Yes, you're my pain
You're my loss, and you're my gain
And I will follow where'er you roam
Where this river flows

She was bound for Aberdeen, and I to Calgary
Please give my love to those you meet, and I'll keep yours for me

Her letters were incendiary, tearing me apart
Then you flew in with mistletoe and kissed my aching heart

And you're my fever
Yes, you're my cure
You're the reason that I endure
And I will follow where'er you roam
Where this river flows

Time goes by....  
Here we lay.....
River flow....  
Flow away...........

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

PASSWORD: OVERTURE

(Instrumental)

TWISTING WITH THE DEMENTORS

In the high rise dungeons of Azkaban
In a cell no bigger than a pigmy caravan
Where the rotters rot and the plotters plot
There comes a rumbling from deep, deep down

        (Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep)

Down in the cellars it's disco night
Where you can have a dance and enjoy a fright
You can smooch cheek to cheek with your favourite ghoul
Or get poked in the eye by a gooseberry fool

The Dementors get up and do the Frug
Then they get on down and do the Funky Duck
You can twist, you can shout
But don't screw it up

chorus:-
        Twisting! Twisting with the Dementors
        Twisting! They're so twisted
        Twisting! Twisting with the Dementors
        Twisting! Twisting all night long

        (High, high, high, high, high, high, high, high)

High in the rafters crows twitch their toes
And get in a flap over the comatose
They wanna touch down with a pretty bird
Roll over Chuck Berry, Beethoven's a nerd

The Dementors get up and do the Jive
Then they do the Black Bottom with anyone alive
The rotters react to the beat
They do the Mash Potato with their two left feet

chorus

RITA SKEETER

I wanna answer questions from Rita Skeeter
I wanna look into her piercing eyes
Her devilish looks couldn't be much sweeter
She can bake all my rhubarb pies
(Rhubarb! Rhubarb! She likes rhubarb)

If I knew how to work a phone I'd tweet her
We could dilly-dally all night long
In her high heels she could teeter
On the edge of my dreams over the Rubicon

chorus:-
        Rita! Skeeter!
        If she'd only say when and where I'd meet her
        Rita! Skeeter!
        Let me be your little lamb, let me be your bleater
        Rita!

Some killjoy's gonna tell me she's tragic
They're not only mugs they're Muggles too
Shout it out loud, she's blinkin' magic
She pops like fizz in my Irn Bru
(fizzy-whizzy! Rita's dizzy!)

If I had her address I'd send her fan mail
Flowers and kisses and a Valentine
Our cupboard love wouldn't be a tall tale
We'd be misty eyed like the foggy ol' Tyne

chorus

        Skeeter!

WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA

What you doing with your feet on the ground?
Well get up and fly up into the sky
Get over the threshold and look straight up
Let's go! Let's go! Don't take pot luck

Wingardium Leviosa - not Leviosa!
Wingardium Leviosa - not Leviosa!
Wingardium Leviosa

You'll get to see the Weasleys' car
Up in the sky, you'll see it fly by
Is it oblong or triangular?
Fins and things - It's a Ford Anglia

Wingardium Leviosa - not Leviosa!
Wingardium Leviosa

Is it a rocket? Can you sock it in a pocket, and then lock it?
is it a wigwam you can jam in a dam like a ram?
Is it a rainbow you can grow like the flow of bakers' dough?
Is it a goon on the moon with the spoon of Lorna Doone?

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Wingardium Leviosa - not Leviosa

It's just the Weasleys' car
It's a Ford Anglia
It's just a Ford Anglia

GINGERNUTS

I know what it is to be ginger
I know what it is to be poor
I stare at my ginger toes
When they pitter pat on the floor

I know how to wear jumpers
knitted by my mum
Good golly, Mrs Molly
Can't you hear that knitwear hum?

God bless all the Gingers
And gingernuts everywhere
They look a bit like oranges
When you see them bare

Shout out proud, "I'm ginger
And under my outerwear
Protruding from my string vest
Is a wadge of ginger hair"

Everyone loves a ginger
They're brighter than the rest
You can see them coming for miles and miles
Combing their ginger chests

If you fancy going ginger
Then grab the correct hair dye
Pour it on, wash it in
Before you sit down for some rhubarb pie

We're ginger! We're ginger! We're ginger and we're proud
we're ginger! We're ginger! And we're very loud!

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES: ADVERT 1

Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes are lurking here for you
Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes can help you miss an exam or two
Go for Puking Pastilles they can help you skive
Or go for a love potion to help you come alive, alive
To help you come alive

KNOCKTURN ALLEY

You can go to Knockturn Alley
If you fly diagonally
The people there are kinda bonkers
        (cuckoo! cuckoo!)
They use cats to play conkers
        (aw!)
Meeow! Meeow!
        (Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!)

If the Dursley's weren't Muggles
        (Muggles! Muggles!}
You could find them shopping there
        (shop! shop! shop! shop!)
Buying horrid horribles
        (eeko! eeko!)
They consider to have flair
        (oooooh!)
Dopey Cousin Dudley could have a laugh
Bathing his unmentionables in an acid bath
Meeow! Meeow!
       (Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!)

ABERFORTH'S INCOMPLETE MIRROR

It was Aberforth's incomplete mirror
That helped them near the end
It was Aberforth's incomplete mirror
That flung an arm around them like a friend
It was Aberforth's incomplete mirror
That sent Dobby to their aid
It was Aberforth's incomplete mirror
That enabled them to get away
So they could fight another day
And turn the grey to pink and green and red and blue
Then turn those blues to miles of smiles
And hoist rainbows into the sky
Way up high
To give their children's, children's, children's, children's, children's, children's children
A chance to fly
Way up high
Into the sky

BROOM RIDER

I'm a broom rider, honey, there I go
I can fly up and down, I can fly through the snow
I'm a broom rider, honey, I don't care
It's the thrill of the chase, it's the wind in your hair
        (tease me, baby - oh yeah)

You can dodge a bludger, fly 'round some old fudger
You can dilly-dally on your favourite cloud
You can kiss a rainbow, miss Aunt Marge's big toe
Get into the jet stream and go with the flow
        (go with the flow, yeah go man go!)

I'm a broom rider, honey, I fly high
Into the arms of the angels, I'm part of Heaven's pie
I'm a broom rider, honey, it's a joy
To feel the Sun on your face while Buddy sings, "Oh boy!"
        (oh boy! - oh yeah, catch me, baby)

You can catch a Snitch, ride bare back with a witch
You can autopilot to Aberdeen
You can touch the stars, and race with flying cars
You can chat with aliens when you fly by Mars
Then stopover, have a drink in Mar's bars
        (one for you, and one for me)

I'm a broom rider, honey, I'm real gone
I'm gonna visit S-J and stay in Bon Bon
I'm a broom rider, honey, it's time to go
Past the Moon up above, to where the Pulsars glow
        (yeah! Glow man glow!)


THE GRIM'S O.K.

In the empty playground where the empty swings swing
There's a rustle in the bushes that makes alarm bells ring
But you've got a ticket for a triple decker ride
The Leaky Cauldron's dusty, but the dust is on your side
    (We're on your side, we're on your side, oh yes, we're on your side)

What's on the poster stuck to the wall?
Don't let Dementors steal your ice-cream in Pawthcawl
They ain't got no conscience, they ain't got no soul
Don't even have the intellect of a sausage roll
    (Speak to me sausage)

Don'tcha worry brother, don'tcha worry man
They don't realise the dog's that guy from Azkaban
So bottle up your essence and lock it safe away
Don't panic Moaning Myrtle, don'tcha know the Grim's o.k
    (A thoroughly decent chap I'd say)

What's in the tealeaves? What's in the cup?
Is it the Hound of the Baskervilles or just some yappy pup?
How ya gonna stop all that howling at the moon?
Ain't Professor Lupin, though he might be howling soon

Don'tcha worry Momma, don'tcha worry Gran
Don't worry if the white coats jump outta that white van
The snarling beast's a pussy, it just wants to play
Don't worry over nothing, don'tcha know the Grim's o.k
    (Absolutely spiffing, oh yes)

What's in the future? What's in the past?
Pots of Mandrakes screaming, your trousers at half mast?
Don't be scared of tomorrow, don't let the darkness in
Find your room of requirement and let the Timeturner spin


HERMIONE'S WAND

I'm just a piece of wood, a little piece of wood
But I'd like to become Hermione's wand
I'm just a piece of wood, a teeny piece of wood
But I'd like to grow up to be something special

Oh what fun I could have with Hermione
I'd be hers and she'd be mine
The magic times we'd spend together
When she needs a wand I'll give her a sign
A tiny little sign, then she will be mine

I'd like to be Hermione's wand
Not a plank in a rowing boat on a pond
So whittle, whittle, whittle away
Come on Hermione make my day
Pick me, pick me, 'cause I'll pick you
Pick me and make my dreams come true

    The wand picks the witch
    The wand picks the witch
    The wand picks the witch
    And I pick you


OLLIVANDER'S WANDS: ADVERT

They've been fine wand makers since 382 BC

So grab a wand, grab a wand from Ollivander's
What a wonderful time you'll have
When you grab a wand from Ollivander's
You'll be spellbound 'til the cows come home
'Til the cows come home, 'til the cows come home
You'll be spellbound 'til the cows come home

            Moo!


THE GRIM'S O.K: REPRISE

Don'tcha worry Sister, don'tcha worry Dad
Don't worry 'bout Cornish Pixies, they're really not that bad
Don't put off something that you can fix today
Don't be a scaredy-waredy, don'tcha know the Grim's o.k


BOGGART TRAINER

Don't come out of the wardrobe, we prefer you there
Become a boggart trainer with a whip and chair
Get a nice big empty wardrobe and place your boggart there
Alternatively think of it as Rita Skeeter bare
Oh yeah, as Rita Skeeter bare
        Och! ridiculus!
                                cuckoo-cuckoo!

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

 HOLES

I wanna cricket bat made of Whomping Willow
I wanna hit everything for six
Look out on the boundary, here it comes
I'm gonna make a thousand runs
There'll be holes in the clubhouse
Holes in the scoreboard
There'll be holes on top of holes up in the sky
My Whomping Willow bat'll make me a star
Hey! Rita Skeeter, where's my rhubarb pie?

I wanna pair of boots made of Whomping Willow
I wanna kick footballs everyday
Look out in the goalmouth, hide with moles
I'm gonna score a thousand goals
There'll be holes in the goalposts
Holes in the netting
There'll be holes on top of holes up in the stands
My Whomping Willow boots'll make me a star
Hey! Rita Skeeter, we're all rhubarb fans


WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES: ADVERT 2

Come to Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley
Bring the kids, bring the owls, bring your great aunt, Sally
There's fun in every corner, and up and down the stairs
You might even find a furry bunch of giggly Polar Bears
Who've travelled from the Arctic to share a laugh or two
At Fred and George's store you'll find
A wheeze for you, and you, and you
And for the furry creatures too
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
You'll find some sneezing powder too
At Weasleys' Wizard Sneezes you'll find a wheeze for you
        Ah-choo!


JUST A LONELY BOGGART

No one wants me for myself
They want me as something else
I'm just a lonely boggart in a mystifying world
Don't they know a boggart could be a lonely boy or girl
No one wants to see me, no one wants to call
they'll leave me in a cupboard in some windswept hall
No one will ever hold me, no one will kiss my lips
They just see me as a monster that's good for scaring drips
I could never be your blind date
Just something to fear and hate
Then something else to make you laugh
A rubber ducky in your bath
I'm just a lonely boggart in my lonely world


RON RON DOO DAH

Bloody hell! Bloody hell! Bloody hell, now here comes Ron!
Ron Ron doo dah, doo dah Ron
Doo dah Ron Ron, Ron doo dah

All you grownups better cough
When you hear Ron say, "Piss off!"
Cover your tiddlers' ears, you fools
This won't get played on Later, With Jools

Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Piss off!
cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough- off!
Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough. Piss! Cough!
cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough!!!


BOGGART IN THE WARDROBE

There's a boggart in the wardrobe, there's no hiding there
There's a boggart in the wardrobe, but why should I care?
There's a boggart in the wardrobe, just place a chair
Underneath the handle, and leave that boggart there

        It's a boggart - Urgh!


TALK TO THE HAT

None of us wanna be in Slytherin
We'd prefer to be in Griffindor
Well talk to the hat, the hat'll sort that
All of us wanna let Fluffy snore
And perambulate through the Fat Lady's door
Well talk to the hat, the hat'll sort that

        That's it sorted hat!


MOANING MYRTLE

Hey there, Moaning Myrtle, stop that moaning hon'
Step out of your toilet, come out into the sun

Stop that weeping, Myrtle, let's all have a laugh
Come and join the Quidditch Team in their communal bath

Where's the soap? Where's the soap?
    Where's the soap? Where's the soap?
Hey, Myrtle, can you help us find the missing bar of soap?

Hey there, Moaning Myrtle, why're ya moaning hon'
Don't dive into the loo, it's time to have some fun

Here's a hanky, Myrtle to wipe your tears away
Stop pretending you're Ophelia from that Danish play

Alas, alas poor Myrtle, alas I knew her well
She was the pride of the bathroom 'til she began to smell

Cheer up, Moaning Myrtle, that was said in jest
Come and stroke my ginger hair protruding from my vest

Hey there, Moaning Myrtle, stop that moaning hon'
Step out of your toilet, come out into the sun

Now who's that girl disrobing on the beach for all to see?
She looks like a symphony, in a major key

Is that you, dear Myrtle, looking like a hon'
Gie's a twirl, you lovely girl, let's go and have some fun


TREVOR

It's been a long, long road for Neville's toad
It's been such a long road for Neville's toad

He saw a boy, in pyjamas, stand up against his friends
Saw him dance with Ginny Weasley 'til the Yule Ball's end
Saw him join Dumbledore's Army, which might've seemed quite barmy
'Til he found the perfect room to inform their argy bargy

Trevor, Trevor, Trevor you kept running away
Don't let yourself be caught out on the hop today
Stay safe in Neville's pocket while the tale unfolds
Of the Hogwartarians who fought like the knights of old

It's been a long road for Neville's toad


IT'S LOVE THAT REALLY MATTERS

It's love that really matters. It's love that really counts

And Harry loves Ginny, and Dobby loves Harry
And Peeves loves playing the fool
It's so complicated, but love is gold plated
Love is the golden rule

The World keeps turning, and we're all learning to love

And Hermione loves Ron  (Ron Ron doo dah)
And Ron loves sausages  (Ron Ron doo dah)
And Sir Nick loves the Headless Hunt
It's so complicated, but love ain't outdated
Love is way out front

It's love that really matters. it's love that really counts

And Neville loves Luna, and Luna loves puzzles
And Rita Skeeter loves herself
It's so complicated, but enormously rated
Love rates higher than wealth

The World keeps turning, and we're all learning to love

And Lavender loves Ron  (Ron Ron doo dah)
And Ron loves sausages. (Ron Ron doo dah)
And Fawkes loves burning away
It's so complicated, but always placated
By a little love everyday

It's love that really matters. It's love that really counts
What else could it be but love?
That's what really matters


TREVOR: REPRISE

It's been a long, long road for Neville's toad

Neville drew the sword from the magic hat
Saw him wield the blade of Godric like a Whomping Willow bat
Saw him swing it round with power, cutting through Nagini's neck
Neville dealt the Ace of Spades, he dealt the whole winning deck

Trevor, Trevor, Trevor you must be so proud
That the little guy with big ears was a leader of the crowd
When you eke out your retirement in your friendly local pond
You'll regale the other slimeys with Neville's take on James Bond

It's been a long road for Neville's toad

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

DEATHDAY PARTY

You'll never see a Thestral, unless you've seen death

You're welcome to my deathday party, respondez si'l vous plait
You'll never get to hang on to the ice cold words I say

Welcome to my deathday party, awash with rotting food
To munch and crunch grub that's ripe would ruin this chilling mood

Ah, what fun to eat a mouldy bun
Ooh, how neat to shake what once were feet

Happy deathday to you! Happy deathday to you!

Welcome to my deathday party, welcome one and all
When it's your deathday you'll get a cold call

Welcome to my deathday party, you'll enjoy one soon
It doesn't matter what time it is to meet your own high noon

Woo, look at me, a vision in transparency
Yo-ho, rattling bones, shaken 'n' stirred with moans and groans
Eeko eek alors, I can float through walls and doors
Ah, what fun now my life's over and done

Amen. Amen. A-a-a-ah see through men


CHOCOLATE FROGS

Chocolate frogs, chocolate frogs, they help you go to the bogs
Chocolate frogs, chocolate frogs, they're smaller than chocolate hogs
                Oink!

Chocolate frogs, chocolate frogs, they can jump off chocolate logs
Chocolate frogs, chocolate frogs, they don't bark like chocolate dogs
                Woof!


DRAGON IN THE BANK VAULT

There's a dragon in the bank vault. It's scarier than me
There's a dragon in the bank vault, bigger than a bumble bee
There's a dragon in the bank vault. It's noshing all my loot
If I had a bazooka I'd take a potshot at that brute

You can hear it roar. You can hear it snore.
You can see it smash through that great big metal door

There's a Dragon in the bank vault. Where's my brown trousers, Mum?
There's a dragon in the bank vault. Hey, Annie, get yer stun gun
There's a dragon in the bank vault. Are the Keystone Cops around
To chase it round in circles and pound it non-stop in the pound?

There's a dragon in the bank vault. Make it fly away
There's a dragon in the bank vault. Ah, my hair is turning grey
There's a dragon in the bank vault. It's gobbled all my cash
If I had a giant hammer I'd turn it to Monster Mash

You can hear it moan. You can hear it groan
You can bash it senseless 'til the cows come home

'Til the cows come home, 'til the cows come home
You can bash it senseless 'til the cows come home


PORTKEY

If I had a Portkey I'd visit Ben Nevis
I'd go to Scunthorpe in the Spring
If you have a Portkey the World's your oyster
Line the oysters up and hear them sing
        la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go!
You'll find us landing in the snow
In Timbuktu, or three, or four, there's no need to tiptoe
The sweetest Portkey's Jo Rowling's knee
The scariest's a photo of me

        Ugh! A photo of you?!


DENTISTS

Open wide. Open wide. Open wide, now. Open wide
Open wide. Open wide. Open wide, now. Open wide

That's the drill. That's the drill. Open wide, now. That's the drill

Arghh!!!

How can Hermione have protruding teeth when her parents are dentists?


EVERYONE NEEDS A DOBBY

Everyone needs a Dobby, everyone needs a friend
Someone to be there at the start, the middle, the end

Everyone needs a Dobby, no matter how small
The shadow that Dobby casts stands so very tall

Everyone needs a Dobby, someone who doesn't hide
Someone to hold your hand and stand right by your side

Everyone cries for Dobby, who laid his life on the line
Carve his precious name with pride, a name that is so fine

Everyone loves dear Dobby, a selfless hero bold
The one who came to save the day, and shelter you from the cold

Everyone remembers Dobby. The whole World sheds a tear
He ignored the trials and pain to hold friends safely near

Everyone smile for Dobby. Raise your heads up high
Dobby is always with us. He's the brightest star in our sky


TIME TO FLY: FINALE

Rhubarb pie. Rhubarb pie. Lovely Rita, meters sigh

Whomping bat. Whomping bat. Don't play conkers with a cat
       (Meeow!)

Irn Bru. Irn Bru. Fizzy-whizzy, ginger, wooo!

That's the drill. That's the drill. Teeth, in Leith, for Jack and Jill
        (Arghh!)

Weasleys' car. Weasleys' car. Parked outside of a Mar's bar

Chocolate frogs. Chocolate frogs. And every flavour Bertie Bott's
        (Woof!)

Rhubarb pie. Rhubarb pie. Now it's time to say bye-bye

Don'tcha cry. Don'tcha cry. Some of us have got to fly

            Expeliamus!!!!!!

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus 1

  Snake, I'm deep inside you
  Snake, so deep inside you
  Snake, I'm deep inside you
  Snake. Shake

  When you were younger and your star was shining bright
  You didn't understand the politics of fright  
  But now you're older and the flame is fading fast
  Your wide eyed innocence is in your distant past

chorus 1

  Just one little apple and you had to shake the tree
  Just one little bite opened the door to vanity
  Just one little goose-step started armies on the run
  Just one little fruitcake stealing currants from a bun

chorus 2
  Oh-oh! What's good, what's bad?
  Just have it all before you're had
  Oh-oh! What's false, what's true?
  Drink it all in before it swallows you

chorus 1

  When your life and times are notated in a book
  Only your photographs will get a second look
  No one needs your history, no one needs that much
  No one reads your clever words, they need a gentle touch

chorus 1

  When the dust is settled and the ritual is done
  Who cares how smart you were or if you had some fun?
  Who will remember in a thousand years or more?
  Just another fruitcake with a maggot at its core

chorus 2

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

  I don't know much, but I know something
  The velvet touch can lead to nothing
  Wake up in a sweat, find that you're in debt
  Your woman spending loads travelling by jet
  Chihuahua on her lap, monkey on her back
  Who pays the bill when you're dressed in sack?

  I can't run fast, that's why I'm puffing
  Had no breakfast, just crumbs from a muffin
  Can't afford a car, can't get very far
  Can't undo the past, can't undo her bra
  This value added tax has no value at all
  This ol' heart pumps, but I think its gonna stall

chorus

  Gimme mouth to mouth
  Gimme electric shocks
  Gimme pacemakers, bless my cotton socks
  Gimme surgery
  Gimme brand new eyes
  Creep up behind me and give me a surprise
  Gimme gimme gimme gimme brand new highs
  Gimme gimme gimme gimme clear blue skies
  Gimme gimme gimme everything you've got
  Gimme it cold, gimme it steaming hot

  Can't pay the price, I'll work 'til I perish
  A bowl of rice is something to cherish
  Only smell burnt toast, not a Sunday roast
  Got a blow up doll arriving in the post
  The bank sends me letters, it's having a laugh
  I'm bending over backwards trying to pay my overdraft

chorus

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

  Slagheaps and nuclear waste, factories belching poison
  Doe eyed girls, with Botox brows, wonder what the boy's on
  Laboratory rats and mice all stare, from floorboards to electric chair
  Scientists, with telescopes, pretending there's something out there

  Grime filled alleys, way up North, scarred by piss and curry
  Automatons, in overcoats, towards tomorrow hurry
  Snails at work, tigers in bed. Alcohol and daily bread
  Scientists, with shaky hands, experimenting with your head

  Torn and frayed, we're rag dolls in a tidal wave
  Born and nailed, prisoners who don't get bailed
  Mourn and wail. Some care. Some hate

  The distance to the Sun's so small
  Compared to the vastness of it all
  We're specks upon a lonely rock
  Time flies. Tick-tock!

  Machine-agers in choking smog, grey slate and acid rain
  Multinational dinosaurs with slaughter on the brain
  Abattoirs exterminate, slap something bloody on a plate
  Scientists, with Google eyes, turn us into atomic pies

  Torn and frayed, we're rag dolls in a tidal wave
  Born and nailed, prisoners who don't get bailed
  Mourn and wail. Some love. Some smile. Some care. Some hate.

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

  50's - Curled lip - Greased hair - Shake hip
  Motorbikes - Drainpipes - Red flags - Blue moons
  R'n'B - The Goons - Alligators - See ya later

chorus

  Drums, bass and guitar
  That's all you need to be a rock'n'roll star

  60's - Lip pout - Grow hair - Drop out
  Mini cars - Sitars - Incense - Hot pants
  C.N.D - Hot rats - Acid rain - Penny Lane

chorus

  70's - Glam rock - Dyed hair - Punk shock
  Skateboards - Star Wars - Disco - Grateful Dead
  XTC - Waterbed - Polyfilla - Psycho Killer

chorus

  80's - New wave - Cut hair - Club rave
  Spaceships - Bluechips - John's gone - The Fall
  H.I.V. - Berlin Wall - Quelle alarm! - Maggie's Farm

chorus
 
  90's - The blues - No hair - Tattoos
  Snowboards - Go Lords - Nose studs - Sheep clones
  C.J.D. - Mobile phones - Millennium - Oblivion

chorus

  And a sweet little woman like you

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

  Used to drink in Rose Street
  Pick up girls in the Café Royale
  Girls to give you the shivers
  Girls to make your blood boil
  Arthur's Seat at sunrise
  Still stoned from the night before
  Listening to The Soft Parade
  Whilst tripping on Harry's floor

  Chess pieces made of china
  Poems made of blood and guts
  Acting 'til we all won Oscars
  Otis Blue in vinyl ruts
  Steam filled rolls from the bakers
  Walking through the biting cold
  Now all those northern nights
  Seem a hundred years ago

  But here we are, all stretched out in a stretch limo car
  But we're not so far from all those northern nights
  Those wonderful delights. All those northern nights

  Do you still remember me? 'Cause I still remember you
  Don't let me walk on by if I don't catch your eye
  Don'tcha walk on by - no no! Hey, are you listening?
  Why don'tcha just stop? Turn around! Talk!

  Overcoats down to the ankles
  Hats jammed on our frozen heads
  Humming The Layers Of The Onion
  fine tuning the North's finest in bed
  Gavin daubs a C.N.D. slogan
  High up on the Castle rock
  Laughing 'til we got the munchies
  Spreadeagled with chastity unlocked

  Yeah, here we are, all chewed up in a big Jaguar
  But we're not so far from all those northern nights
  Those wonderful delights

  Yeah, it's about you Edinburgh

  Hey there baby, are you on a fast train to nowhere?
  Stop at my station
  I'll punch your ticket anytime
  Wow!!

[Bob Cooke / Paul Dean / Bill Hinde / Ray Sparrow / Lynden Williams]

  When I started out in life I was just a simple man
  But now with my life in torment catch me smiling, if you can
  Suddenly a face appears, a body smooth and warm
  With love she melts my aching heart
  We make love 'til the dawn

chorus 

  Take her picture out into the light
  Have you seen a more impressive sight?
  Let me know if you've seen her around
  I'm getting tired 'cause she can't be found

  You won't love me again
  I start pleading in vain
  You don't know how to love
  I, I know well enough
  When you find a girl
  Treat her like a pearl
  Be careful what you do
  She may well fool you

  So when I started out in life, although I could not smile
  I was happy deep down inside, contented all the while
  Until I met a woman who lit the fire of pain
  She left me searching for her love, but I won't see her again

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

  You're on every page of my imagination
  You're on every corner of my street of dreams
  Your name's underlined with fluorescent marker
  You're my distraction dressed in dirty jeans

chorus

  The book of you I'm thumbing through

  You're in every paragraph of my dilemma
  You're in every cul-de-sac of my mind
  You're in every single prim and proper moment
  You're in every pulsating bump and grind

chorus

  In the library of my soul
  Next to books on rock'n'roll
  You're fingered and you're touched
  Your dust jacket is munched
  Your verbs are so intense
  Your asterisks are immense
  You're reviews are never hushed
  You're a tale of love and lust

chorus

  You're in every sentence that I'm pouring over
  You're in every boulevard I've ever known
  Your mere mention is worthy of italics
  You're a metaphor for every sigh and moan

chorus

  In your chapters 1 to 8
  You're the food upon my plate
  You're nibbled and you're licked
  Your bones are even picked
  Your synopsis is so bright
  You're a whisper in the night
  You're written with such feeling
  Your semi-colon's squealing

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

  Momma's got a brand new bastard, she popped one out today
  Daddy's gone for walkies, you might see him when he's old and grey
  The government steals your money, look at the price of fuel
  They treat you just like doormats. They wipe their feet all over you

  Sister's got a brand new boyfriend. Eggs are hatching in her box
  But he's been playing away from home, so she's gone and changed the locks
  The government steals your childhood, look at the price of fun
  Who can afford enjoyment when there's a tranquilliser dart in your bum?

chorus

  All of my doors are open
  I'm waiting for joy to arrive
  All of my doors are wide open
  But I ain't got time on my side
  All of my doors are open
  I'm searching these dark skies
  Won'tcha step into my universe
  All my doors are open wide

  Down at the rubbish dump they search for Shangri-La
  They poke through rusty cans and dirty nappies
  Trying to find a Rolls Royce car
  Ah-ha! Blah-Blah! Ya-Ya, Ya-Ya, Ya-Ya!!

  Momma's got another bastard, she popped out the latest today
  Daddy's down the graveyard, glugging down a tinny, they say
  The government steals your future. They tax you when you die
  When you've no more farts to set alight they want another slice of your pie

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus 1
  We're all Simple Simons
  We're all Simple Simons

  Born to be proud of what's gone before
  The wind in the willows, the wolf by the door
  Pounding the treadmill the sensible way
  Born to feel guilty, on worn knees we pray
  Give me deliverance from spies in the sky
  Away in a manger, away in a sty
  Cold War stagnation, Iron Curtain lies
  Star spangled graveyards, no nonsense replies

  Sucked in by worksheets, and sucked in by wealth
  Gold plated eyeballs and heart attack health
  No magic mushrooms, just large mushroom clouds
  No born again life beneath tricolour shrouds
  Agents Of Orange give no second chance
  They just give away seats for the old vulture dance
  And funeral directors work vast overtime
  Embalming us all in vodka and lime

chorus 2
  Guys on the bonfires, girls in the flames
  We're just Simple Simons who love simple dames
  We all flash our peace signs but we sure like to hate
  We've friends in our pockets, foes heads on some plate
  We're all Simple Simons
  We're all Simple Simons
  We're all Simple Simons
  We're all Simple Simons
  We're simple!

chorus 1
 
  Born to be pawns in the patriot game
  All searchers of glory, all searchers of fame
  Given incentives to all go past go
  Told one is our friend, and the other's our foe
  No voice in the wilderness gets heard today
  The whole World's a stage and there's no time to play
  We're caught on the barbed wire, caught on the run
  We're all over the edge in the sights of a gun

chorus 2

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

  The scythe is keen, it's time to reap
  The reckoning's here, rise from your sleep
  The fire's kindled, it's time to burn
  There's no forward, no return
  Hear thunder, smell fear
  Hide when the hoofbeats are near

  It's time for The Ever After
  There's no time to sit and cry
  You won't hear me cry
  You won't hear me cry
  You'll never, never, never hear me cry

  The white horse roams across the sky
  A pale rider looks you in the eye
  Destiny calls to one and all
  Quick march to the Damnation Ball
  See murder, taste blood
  Time to crawl back to the mud

  It's time for The Ever After
  There's no time to sit and cry
  You won't hear me cry
  You'll never hear me cry

  The noose is tight, it's time to drop
  Scales of justice never stop
  Dark shadows hide the judge's head
  You're sent to the black covered in red
  Feel nothing, time's lent
  See how that back has been bent

  It's time for The Ever After
  There's no time to sit and cry
  You'll never hear the bullet
  Never feel the scythe
  Oh Lord! You'll never, never, never hear your children cry!

[Lynden Williams]

Here I sit upon the sand
Staring at my wrinkly hand
I'm sidetracked by my neighbour's knee
As hairy as a knee can be
There goes a bottom wiggling by
And overhead the seagulls fly
Then ice cream cones are plucked away
And kiddies sob, and then they play
Sand castles rise up to the sky
And Punch, of course, makes Judy cry
Uncle Fred wears a kiss-me-quick hat
But no one takes advantage of that
The deckchairs groan and take the strain
Until vacated by the rain
Then donkeys cross their legs, and snooze
Their owner slurps a can of booze
A ghetto blaster causes a palaver
As beach bums twist, and shout
"Who needs pyjamas?"

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Jenny Jenny, Jennifer Brown
Jenny Jenny, Jennifer Brown
Jenny Jenny, Jennifer Brown
Jenny Jenny, Jennifer Brown
Jenny! Jenny!
Jenny Jenny, Jennifer Brown

[Cregg / Ciambotti / Call / Hopper / McFee / Schreiner]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I could need some company
I could need some shoulder
I could need some tenderness
Before I get much older

But who would have me now
Just some crazy fool?
Let me put you on the spot
Could you be my fool?

And as time goes racing by
And we're all left behind
What is there to comfort us
In the darkness of our minds?

chorus
Here's my hand, it's stretching out
Here's my words, on paper
Here's my voice still banging on
Don't be my heartbreaker

I could need some sweet caress
I could need some fingers
I could need some body heat
Before this coldness lingers

But who would look my way
Just some desperate case?
I don't expect sympathy
Just a friendly face

And as time knocks on our doors
Who is left to answer?
Come into these empty arms
Be my long lost dancer

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick
Tick-tock, tick-tock
We're all chasing Peter Pan
We're all chasing Peter Pan

Time waits for no man
It's just running 'round the bend
I follow blindly
Hoping it will never end
Sidetracked by a lady
Sidetracked by a smile
Time lurks in the shadows
But it beats you by a mile

chorus
We're all chasing Peter Pan
We're all chasing Peter Pan
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick
Tick-tock, tick-tock

Mirror, mirror is it true
Is it me or is it you?
One of us must tell a lie
By my eye I see a line
Oh no!

chorus

Mother, mother speak to me
Did you really set me free?
Dragged from then into today
Now my hair is turning grey
Oh no!

chorus

Time waits for no man
It's just running far away
Changing all my future
Into a yesterday
Blinded by a sunrise
Frightened by the moon
Time ain't no symphony
But it makes you play it's tune

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

God loves an idiot, someone who's running scared
God loves an idiot, with an electric chair derriere
God loves a total fool, a loser without a voice
God loves the vain and selfish, look-at-me's are his ideal choice

God loves an idiot, someone just like you
God loves a bit of a waste of space, he prefers them to Irn Bru
God loves an idiot, someone just like me
God loves the nearly dead, we're his perfect cup of tea

chorus
He just stirs it on up, with lots of sugar
'cause we're not good enough
He just stirs it on up. We are not worthy
We are not worthy of his love
Stir it on up. We are not worthy
Stir it on up. We're not good enough
Stir it on up. We are not worthy of his teacup

God loves an idiot. He wants ya blinged up to the nines
God loves the gullible, and committers of heinous crimes
Yeh, God loves the down and outs, he doesn't discern at all
He likes 'em pink and black, and very green, he likes to grab 'em when they're young and small

God loves an idiot, a complete and utter cad
God loves goody-two-shoes, and old Etonions who are bad
God loves an idiot, with initials from A - Z
God loves the parsimonious, they're his favourite cup of tea

chorus

[Lynden Williams]

People can be smelly
When you see them on the telly
They might have halitosis
Or even soap neurosis
You could turn to jelly
If you met them on the telly

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus
She was just a northern girl - hairdresser by trade
She yearned for something more than toast and marmalade

She studied literature
Hoped she'd make the grade
She had expectations
Wanted to break away

She was such a bright-eyed girl
With boundaries to cross
She hoped her future
Wasn't made of candy floss

Blinkered to the grindstone
Wearing her thinkers hat
What she really needed
Was lessons of the heart

I'm educating Rita in the things she needs to know
That one and one make two, and I'll never let her go
I'm educating Rita in the nuances of love
Until we fit each other like a warm hand in a glove
I'm educating Rita
I'm educating Rita
I'm educating Rita
Or is she educating me?

I'm educating Rita in advanced biology
And, if practice makes perfect, she'll sail through that degree
I'm educating Rita in the chemistry of love
Until thermal dynamics make us throw away the gloves
I'm educating Rita
I'm educating Rita
I'm educating Rita
Or is she educating me?

chorus

Toast and marmalade
Toast and marmalade
We all want more than toast and marmalade

[Bob Cooke / Lynden Williams]

She was a cruel kid, just the sort who'd spit right in your lusting eye
He was a big man, who didn't give a damn, the kind who'd just pass her by
But who could ever tell they'd get on so well they'd be part of the American dream?
He was a big shot, who'd got the lot, and she was his beauty queen
Oh, she was beautiful!

She had a nice face, but there wasn't a trace of humour in her smile
He was a cruel dude, who could act real rude. He could make a nun run a mile
But who would ever know they'd really make a go of this wonderful American life?
He was a fantasist, afloat in the mist, and she was his inflatable wife

chorus
And everybody wants to live in America
Everybody in the world
Everybody wants to swing in America
Every man, boy, woman and girl
Everybody wants to live in America
Everybody everywhere
Everybody wants to be part of America
Everybody wants to be there
Where? - America!

She was a sweet thing, who could really sing for her supper here and there
He was a mad dog, yeh a real road hog, who went cruising from his Bel Air lair
But who would have forecast they'd have a love that lasts for thousands of American Nights?
He was a real child, who could act real wild, and she was his guiding light

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We all love Marmite
Oh yes we do
We all love Marmite
And so should you

URGHH!!!!

[Joe Levine / Arthur Resnick]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

chorus A
The bus goes on, the bus goes on, the bus goes on and on and on
The bus goes on, the bus goes on, the bus goes on and on and on

verse 1
Through the snow, and through the rain
Through the summer, again and again
Going 'round the same old bend
It never ends. It never ends

chorus A

The woman smiles. The wise man sighs

chorus B
But the bus goes on and on and on
The bus goes on, the bus goes on, the bus goes on and on and on

The old man gets off. The child is born

chorus B

repeat verse 1

chorus A

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

Before we were kippers we swam in the sea
Before we were pork chops we lived in Dundee
Before we were haggis we had bladders that worked
Before we were sweet meats we sure liked to jerk

chorus
Jerk, jerk baby, baby jerk
Jerk, jerk baby, baby
Let's see your carcass work
Jerk it on up now, before you take a dive
If you keep on jerking, jerking
Then you'll know you're alive

Before we were omelettes we hid in our shells
Before we were salad we grew up with bluebells
Before we were paté our livers worked fine
Before we were mincemeat we had a good time

Meanwhile, in the abattoir the big, fat butcher smiles
His arms are crackling overtime, sharpening his knives
Daisy's all a tremble after the stun-gun
She's sawn in half. it's a bloodbath
They're carving up her black and white bum

Before we were drumsticks we had beating hearts
Before we were rump steak we had a good fart
Before we were sushi we lurked in the murk
Before we were extinct we sure liked to jerk

chorus

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

We like tarts
They like cake
He likes darts
She likes to bake

We like beef
They like ham
Fish like reefs
Lichtenstein liked BLAM!

Everyone's got a different preference
Everyone has a choice
Some people like to bow in deference
Whilst others like to exercise their voice

We like large
They like small
He likes marge
She spreads it for them all
Spread 'em, baby!

We like green
They like grey
He likes cream
She takes it any old way

We like smooth
They like tough
He likes grooves
She likes 'em rough
Rough!

Everybody's got a bee in their bonnet
Everybody likes to buzz
Astronomers like to find, and name, a comet
But no one likes to be found by the fuzz

We like tarts
They like mash
He likes hearts
She likes diamonds, and cash
(Well that's a surprise)

We like tarts
Forget about ham
We like tarts
We like to lick their jam
And stick our fingers in
That old tart tin

[Earl Randle]

Cover song - lyrics not available

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

I just can't get beyond your silicon boobies
I just can't get over your silicon boobs

There's number 1, there's number 2
They sure look good on a girl like you
I just can't get beyond your silicon boobs

I don't need to contemplate your facelift
I never knew you had a straightened nose
I can't hear a tune from your gastric band
And I've never sucked your liposuctioned toes

Don't mention your brand new chin
When I'm staring at your twin zeppelins

I just can't get beyond your silicon boobies
I just can't get over your non-wobbling peaks
I just can't get beyond your silicon boobies
I hope those reservoirs don't spring a leak
If only your Mount Everests could speak

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

It's not that I remember you at all
It's just that sometimes a voice sounds a bit familiar
It's not that I remember how you look
It's just that sometimes I stumble across that photograph
It's not that I feel that much remorse
It's just occasionally I wonder how it must have seemed
It's not that I break right down and cry
It's just occasionally I need to have a quiet moment to myself

It's just life, and we all make mistakes
It's just life, and we all mess things up
They say it makes for a better you
But I don't believe it's true
And I bet that you don't too

It's not that I remember what you said
It's just that some words seem to echo in this emptiness
It's not that I want to make amends
It's just that clean slates seem to have a certain resonance
It's not that anything really matters
It's just that sometimes I feel the urge to communicate
It's not that I'm all that concerned
It's just that time seems to fly, and I'm weighed down by heavy loads

It's just life, and we all make mistakes
It's just life, and we all mess things up
They say we'll unwind this rusty screw
But I don't believe it's true
And I bet that you don't too

Trapped in an ageing body, not friends with anyone
Warped by a mind so bloody, no time for any fun
Just sinking
Just shrinking
Just slinking away

It's not that I consider how you felt
Unanswerable imponderables are hidden in dark cul-de-sacs
It's not that conscience rears it's selfish head
It's just that guiltiness likes to perch upon my shoulder now
It's not that I can't toss these things aside
It's just that the pinch of salt has turned into a mountain range
It's not that we'll ever meet again
You're locked away, and I've disposed of that rusty key
But am I free?

It's just life, and we all make mistakes
It's just life, and we all mess things up
They say we'll recover from the blues
But I don't believe it's true
And I bet that you don't too

It's just life, and we're all self absorbed
It's just life, and we're all overboard
It's just life, we search for holy grails
It's just life, we all had furry tails
It's just life, the taxman makes demands
It's just life, time sips through our hands
It's just life, we're monsters in disguise
It's just life, there's envy in our eyes
It's just life, we'll never know it all
It's just life, we're really rather small
It's just life, none of us last long
It's just life, we're here and then we're.................

[Lynden Williams]

How wonderful to have a flushing toilet

[Ollie Hannifan / Lynden Williams]

If you’re a machine you’ll need some oil
To live the dream you’ll need to toil
When the Sun goes down and the full moon rise
Some will come alive, some will shut their eyes

chorus
It’s just a matter of time before the Sun explodes
It’s just a matter of time before your brain erodes
It’s just a matter of time - hear it ticking away, hear it ticking away

If you’re a mermaid you’ll need some sea
If you’re French bread you might need Brie
At Bikini Atoll you’d have been toast
You don’t need an oven to become a roast

chorus

Battle of Britain, pistols at dawn
Death keeps you alive and stifles your yawn
Colonic irrigation the natural way
Put on your brown trousers, you’ll need them today

If you’re a rocket you’ll need some sky
If you’re mash potato you’ll need a pie
The rich keep sliding out of gilded wombs
The rubber ducks quack in the Pope’s bathroom

chorus

Put on your brown trousers and kiss your ass goodbye